Monday, February 25, 2013.
Such an extremist. I can tell that the excessive compulsion runs deep in my veins, and affects all aspects of my life. I’ve stopped going to chow again. I don’t skip every day, if I do go to chow, it’s only once a day. This time I have been avoiding meals for different reasons than before. I’m working hard to get fit and lose weight. Every time I need something, I’m wondering how fattening the food is and how hard I would have to work out just to get the food off. Fitness is new to me but, I want to learn every single thing I can about it. I find myself reading the labels and contents of everything I consume from the commissary. However, I can’t read what’s in the food trays in the chow hall. Most of what they feed us is noodles, potatoes, and other own unknown ingredients to keep us from starving, or shrinking to skin and bones. This is what I mean when I say that I’m extremely obsessive-compulsive. I become so consumed by my involvements, or activities in life. They consumed my every being. I so badly want to find a happy center. This is a huge part of my addictive DNA, and a cross I must bear.
Saturday, February 23, 2013.
Tomorrow I get another wonderful visit from my family. I just got off the phone with my daughter, Caitlin, my son, Taylor.
Friday, February 22, 2013
I really miss my children and family. I’ve come to accept that well I’m locked up in here, doing more time, life continues to go on outside in the real world, and it hurts to think about how much more I will continue to miss out on in the future. But, what I really have to admit to myself is that life was passing me by long before I ever came to prison. I was merely existing in a drug-induced lifestyle, useless to everyone around me, including and especially myself. One thing I’m absolutely sure of, without a single doubt in my mind, is it well life goes on outside, I will continue to grow, reaching many goals I’ve set for myself and my future. I’ve come a long way in my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, health, and I will continue to grow with each passing day. I know this because I am no longer on the path of self-destruction. I set a new course in life. It makes my worst day better than any of my best days when I was strung out on drugs, slowly killing myself, with no sign of hope.
Thursday, February 21, 2013.
My whole life, even as a child, my parents have been planting seeds in my memory bank, teaching me things like responsibility and the importance of saving money, investing in stocks, bonds, building a substantial 401(k), etc. all my life I’ve been putting it off, convincing myself I could worry about that later in life. Well, now that my brain has left space and come back down to earth, I’m extremely worried about my future and what I can leave behind for my children. I have no nest egg. And, no idea how to reach a financially successful future with the wreckage of my past. What I do have, is a strong faith, that God will guide me in the right direction, just as he’s doing for me. Each day that I continue to make healthy, responsible decisions.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013.
I was finally able to make it into the office to speak with the case manager about my visitation list. I was pleased to find out that Justin Paperny was approved so that he can come visit with me when he comes to town in April to speak in front of a group of bankers to educate them on ethics and choices and of integrity in the workplace.
My cellmate just had all of his upper teeth pulled yesterday, it does not look like fun, and he’s in a lot of pain. It’s really making me second guess having any more my teeth pulled in prison, unless I absolutely have to.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013.
Over the last three or four days, my cell mate has been getting sicker and sicker. Congestion and soreness is taken over his body. He can hardly talk, or get out of bed. I have much empathy for my cellmate’s illness; however, he refused to get the free flu shot, that I’m so relieved I didn’t pass up. I was a little concerned that I would catch what he has, but I feel great and lately I’ve been on track to becoming as healthy as humanly possible. This is been one of my biggest goals for the New Year. I have strayed from the course and at this rate I never, well. I’m very confident that even if I do get the bug that my cellmate is currently carrying, it won’t affect me nearly as much as a has him. This is just one of many benefits to living this healthy lifestyle choice I’ve made for myself. I’ve spent my entire adult life tearing down my body, and now I intend to spend the rest of my life building it up, and maintaining a much higher quality of life, until the day I die. I want to live to see my great-grandchildren.
Monday, February 18, 2013.
It’s so crazy. I think about how drastically my life and point of views are changing around. For almost 18 months, I sat in the County jail, desperately trying to gain as much weight as physically possible, by eating everything I could get my hands on. I accomplish that task. When I was first arrested, I was barely 150 pounds soaking wet. During my one and a half year stay in the County jail, I gained weight over 100 pounds, weighing over 265 pounds; I was happy to enter prison, big and heavy, mainly for the intimidation factor. Now I realize I should’ve spent that time physically training my body instead of destroying. Intimidation is no longer a priority for me, now my physical health is extremely important to me. It’s not too late for me to live a long healthy life. Now each day instead of eating everything I can, I’m constantly concerning myself with eating the right food, and the proper portions. Every day that I continue to work out, I understand that in order to lose this weight and be healthy, I can’t just be jogging do push-ups, I also have to watch what I eat and drink. I’ve also come to find out that the more I work out and eat right, the better I feel about myself, inside and out.
Sunday, February 17, 2013.
Lately I’ve been very concerned about how I’m going to support myself and my family for the rest of my life. The wreckage of my past will continue to affect my future. But, I have faith that I’ll be able to build some kind of entrepreneurial business of my own someday, one that will succeed, and possibly even create something to leave behind for my children. I just thank God for waking me up. Prior to my arrest, thoughts of my future never even entered my mind, it was hard for me to even think about my present, and how I was ruining my life through drugs, and committing crimes to get more drugs.
Saturday, February 16, 2013.
Like always, I had a wonderful time visiting with my mother. We always have so much more to talk about, now that I’m working hard on my future, setting goals, and staying off of the drugs, we have so much to talk about, other than my addiction, getting off of substances, and what things I need to do to change my life around. Now that I am turning my life around, we have time to focus on other topics and issues in life.
Friday, February 15, 2013.
I’ve always been a huge fan of the stars and space. I love the look at the constellations, pictures of other galaxies in the universe, and learning everything about it; the universe has always grabbed my attention and held my interest. There has been a ton of celestial activity that I’ve missed out on lately. Right now there are asteroids passing by earth that are closer than ever, making the best time to view them from a telescope. Just a couple of months ago there was a huge meteor shower that could be seen by the naked eye, just by looking up in the sky. I only hope that there will be more opportunities to see things like this after I’m free. Things just like this, I will never take for granted, ever again.
I am continuing to push myself each day, to work out harder and harder, feels so good, inside and out. Looking forward to another wonderful visit with my family tomorrow!
Thursday, February 14, 2013.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Even though I’m currently imprisoned with a bunch of men, and no girlfriend at home, waiting for me, I still have many special women in my life that I love unconditionally. I still had a handful of cards to send out, wishing them all a very happy Valentine’s Day. Many great women, in and out of my family, that I love and respect, have played a huge role in teaching me the qualities of love, kindness, sensitivity, and how important it is to cherish one another’s life. To the women in my life, reading my blogs, especially my daughter, Caitlin, thank you for your love, I will always love you back, and have the best Valentine’s Day ever!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013.
Watching the state of the union last night on television really makes me wonder what the point is. Obama covered some important issues in America right now, and some drastic measures that need to be taken in order to fix these problems. What the president didn’t do is say that he’s going to take action. Maybe some things like pulling our troops out of Afghanistan, but he has been saying that for years. The president was mostly just stating facts for an hour. Even I could’ve done that. Anybody can talk a good talk, I should know my dad is been telling me that for years. It’s what we do that makes us who we are. I say stop talking and start walking. I’m not just talking about Barack Obama; it seems to be predictable in all of our Presidents. It really makes you wonder, how much power does our presidents really have, and how much are they just playing the marionettes to the real puppet masters?