Tuesday, February 12, 2013.
Watching the news was difficult today. The man I went to school with committed suicide by forcing police officers to shoot him, aiming and unloaded rifle at two of them. They showed the officers take fire at him from the Webcam or in one of their cars.
This man, I went to school with wasn’t a good friend of mine, or anything but, I did know him well enough to assume the suicide was a possibility. We did hang out at a few parties together, but, mostly I knew about him because we both dated the same woman at one point in time. Through her, I knew that he suffered some mental anguish and took it very hard when the two of them broke up. The news said that he was suffering another recent breakup with a woman, and to top it off, he had brain cancer. I guess he just reached his breaking point. My heart and prayers go out to him and his family. I’ve had to deal with suicide and depression in my family, so I know these are very difficult times for this entire family and everyone that’s ever been a part of his life.
Monday, February 11, 2013.
I’m so anxious to get out and finally do something substantial with my life. It’s often very difficult to think about because in the end I’m always reminded that I still have three long years left inside this hell on earth that I’ve created for myself. Every night I put myself to sleep by picturing myself at my home, in the garden with the kids or, building a bathroom addition, or a garage, collecting tools for my workbench, building a deck, what kind of style for my walls, or at the park fishing with my children, etc. I could go on and on for hours, page after page, dreaming about what I should have been doing with my life in the first place, instead of destroying my life in everyone’s life around me with my drug use.
Lunch is generally the only meal that I attend in the dining hall. Today I skipped lunch so I wouldn’t miss out on seeing my mother on television; I was disappointed to see that they cut her air time out of the program, although they did talk about her dancing fundraiser for terminally ill children. Dad is going to video recorded the dance, on Friday at the Schuster Center, so one day I will get to see it. This also reminds me of the many plays and musicals of my daughter, Caitlin’s that I’ve neglected to attend, or see in the past, due to the severity of my drug addiction. This is just one of the many reasons I’ve taken a personal vow, and dedicated every day of my life to making drastic changes so that I never have to miss out on another important event with my family and loved ones ever again.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
My mother’s friend is doing a charity event and asked her to be on television tomorrow for the fund-raising dance competition, they’re calling it Dancing with the local stars, or something like that. I’m so excited to see her; I hope they don’t cut off her air time to make room for other news. She has a perfect look and personality for television.
I’m so thrilled to finally have enough energy, strength, and stamina to execute a full workout routine. Now I can go for an hour straight, do 400 jumping jacks, 300 push-ups, and 200 sit-ups. This may not sound like much too some people but for me a 200 pound man, who hasn’t done much for my health since shortly after high school, my workout is intense.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Today I spent most of my day working on drawing some pictures by request of whom I consider my sister, Gretchen. And of course, since I’m drawing for Gretchen, I have to draw something special for my son, Taylor too. Taylor loves my drawings, and I love drawing for him. Whenever he comes to visit with me, he draws me pictures to show me how good he is, and also for my approval and my compliments. He really is a great artist for his age, he reminds me so much of myself when I was his age. He melts my heart.
Friday, February 8, 2013
I don’t know what it is about this constant fluctuation of thought, and inspiration of thoughts into words and writing. Before I assumed that it was linked to my battles with depression. Now I’m a little more confused about this writer’s block because I’m not at all depressed right now, and yet I still can’t figure out what to write about. My mind starts to race, and begin to look ahead, thinking to myself, what I could possibly continue to write about, every day for the next three years. Writing is been extremely helpful to my growth, and change in the last two years of incarceration. It’s become one of the most helpful therapeutic release valves. Now when I’m trying to deal with something affecting my life, instead of getting intoxicated and avoiding my problems, making them worse, and only have a healthy release but, I’m also dealing with my problems as they come my way, finding ways to resolve them, instead of avoiding everything, only create more problems with the use of substances.
What do you know! I just had something to write about!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Trying to get my Valentines cards and special wishes out in time for the 14th. Each time a special date, birthday, or holiday comes around that I can remember to send out a simple card, or better, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come in my recovery, sobriety, and my journey to a better life for me and everyone else in my life.
It’s starting to become difficult for me to write again. I keep going in and out of these blank phases. I sit here pen in hand, staring at a blank piece of paper, not having a clue what to write about. I continue to read books, monthly magazines, watch the news on television, hoping to be inspired to write about something new but some days I just don’t have it. Now I have a better understanding of the term writer’s block.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Physical fitness has been a major game changer in my life. I not only feel stronger and healthier physically but, also mentally and emotionally as well. It’s as if a huge burden has been lifted from my life. I’m constantly kicking myself for not working this hard at my physical well-being earlier in my sentence but, as they say, better late than never.
It’s amazing how powerful the mind is. In the same way that physical health strengthens mental health, so does the mental health strengthens the physical health. It’s much like the placebo effect. Studies of shown that some individuals taken a simple pill made of sugar but, thinking that they’re taking a pill made of various chemicals to cure their illness, suddenly start to feel better, because their brain is convincing their body that it’s getting better. I have personally experienced many mentally self-inflicted illnesses through my depression, like loss of energy appetite, and I think my most recent one is a loss of facial hair. I’m thoroughly convinced that I continue to live a healthy life and treat my body right; my battles with depression will be much easier to handle in my future.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Today I feel great! Renewed and refreshed, as if I was never under the weather.
Fortunately, my dentist appointment was just a simple checkup, less than 10 minutes. long, then back to my cell.
Feeling a little down today, missing my family, especially my children. I’m missing out on so many important parts of their life, growth and maturing to adulthood completion of their personalities. I just have to continue to remind myself that this is a journey and a growing experience for me to being a better father, one that will never have to miss out on being a part of their lives, ever again.
Monday, February 4, 2013
I feel very weak today; I probably have a temperature. Try to keep my head up.
I just received another pass for another dentist appointment in the morning and am not looking forward to it. It’s not like I can just change my appointment to another day. If I don’t go to the dentist, I would get tickets sanction for noncompliance, which would go on my permanent record, so that’s out of the question. I just have to tough it out and hope that I am feeling better tomorrow.
I just push myself really hard to complete my daily workout routine. I hope the pushing myself isn’t making my illness worse. In the past I’ve heard people say it’s good to sweat out the sickness but, that’s just a silly wives tale, I know this because I once asked my family doctor, he said it’s just not possible to sweat out of virus. I simply feel better just knowing that I still haven’t given up on my New Year’s dedication.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I’m not much of a football fan, though I do enjoy watching the Super Bowl for the halftime show, and all the great commercials. Go team!
I think that flu shot is trying to get the best of me. What keeps me afloat is knowing that if I was still on the street, living life the same as before I got sober, I would be so unhealthy that the flu surely would of gotten the best of me, or perhaps even killed me because, I wouldn’t have even taken the time to get a shot of the antivirus.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
I just had yet another wonderful visit with my mother today. She said she wasn’t sure she was going to make it to this visit, so I was very happy to hear the guards call my name to report to the visitation area.
It’s comforting to be able to check in with her and find out what’s going on with the rest of my family. My grandmother is recovering from a case of the shingles, and vertigo problems. Hopefully should be returning home from the rehab center soon. My Aunt Norma still has a couple of tough chemotherapy sessions left but, mom says that she’ll be just fine, my family has good genes, were all strong, healthy individuals and for the most part we can handle whatever comes our way.
I miss my family very much, but most of all, I miss showing everyone in my life just how much I love and care about them all.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Another month has come and gone another month closer to home and the sweet taste of freedom.
Next month I will have served two years since the time of my arrest. In the last two years of my sentence, there have been quite a few suicides by suffocation. From the county jail to prison, some men just can’t come to terms with dealing with their rocky road ahead. Just recently, another man hung himself in here again. Supposedly a couple of inmates were pressuring this man to perform sex acts, and instead of standing up for himself, or reporting this to the prison authorities, he decided to take his own life. Before he died, he submitted a letter to the guards about what these inmates were doing to him. Now these inmates are in the hole, under investigation, awaiting more outside criminal charges as a result of this man’s death. What’s more disturbing is that all of this took place in the honor cell, where incidents like this are least likely to happen. This really makes me think twice about trying to transfer over to there, from here were I’ve already established a fairly safe environment for myself.