Saturday, January 19, 2013
Since I’ve been working out harder these last few weeks more than I have in my entire life, I’ve got to tell you, it feels great! It’s exhilarating I feel so alive. It feels so good that I can’t understand why I wasn’t doing this all along. I think that working out harder and pushing myself further is really helping to lighten the fluctuating burdens of depression.
Looking forward to another visit with my mother tomorrow. I love when she brings my children with her but I also thoroughly enjoy our one-on-one time. It allows us both to focus on deeper, more serious topics of life and evaluate where we go as a family from A to B.
Friday, January 18, 2013
For the last two years I’ve written I’ve been questioning how finely tuned my personal knowledge of grammar and punctuation that goes back to my years in grade school. Last night I received a handbook for writers in prison that came in the mail from the committee called Pen American Center based out of New York City. I haven’t been able to put this small, 100 page book down since I got it. This guide is satisfying my prolonged curiosity for solving some simple yet bothersome problems such as where all, scope, what the parenthesis is, colons, brackets, hyphens,;, and the list goes on and on.
Surprisingly many of my uncertainties of grammar turned out to be correct all along. It seems that I did learn a few things in school after all; writing every day has become great practice for me. Writing is not only a healthy outlet for me but, it has also helped me to rebuild and reshape my mind as well as my patterns and process of thinking
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I finally got an appointment in the doctor’s office. I only hope he has some idea about this recent hair loss on my face. Not having a clue what’s wrong with me is driving me crazy.
I recently finished reading a book that talks about how state of mind and thought can have a dramatic effect on the health of your body. I’ll be the first to agree with this. My mind is affected my body for so many years. I wonder if the doctor is going to tell me that my balding faces a result of my stressed-out brain.
I just got back from the doctor’s office; he was baffled about my hair problem. He said that he had never before seen a man get bald spots on their face. He was so intrigued that he spent a good 15 min. on his phone and Internet trying to find out what my condition is. In the end he told me not to be concerned, although my condition may be very uncommon. It’s nothing to worry about. Then he gave me some basic topical cream and sent me on my way.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Working out can be a big pain in this tiny little cell, but I power through and find more ways to improve my routine. The more that I maintain consistency here, like Michael Santos, I often jog in one place, do jumping jacks, on the bed is the only way to do sit-ups and push-ups, that’s how tiny the cell really is, half the size of most of the prison cells one would see in a movie. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I’ll get transferred to a better prison that has a yard open all year round to jogging workout and not be so concerned about random regular violence that could result in a trip to the hole and the loss of their days.
I just picked up an interesting book that was sent to me through Amazon.com. I don’t even know who the book came from but it’s much appreciated and I look forward to reading it. It’s called “Healing the Addicted Brain” by Harold Urschel. It’s a new approach to conquering an old disease and I can’t wait to read his take on it. Thank you kind stranger for sending me this book, I look forward to reading it in submitting my report online.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I was happily receive a letter from Justin Paperny, a mentor to me as well as a direct link to The Straight A Guide to success program. I was pleased to hear that he still coming to Ohio to visit me from California. I also look forward to the day that I get to meet Michael Santos. It might not be until after I’m released from prison but I’m confident knowing that one day I’ll get to meet the man who has given me great hope and inspiration like Justin Paperny.
Lately I’ve been having people responding to my website via your Internet under the impression that I myself have access to the internet. So I just want to help my readers understand how my blog is posted and updated. Unfortunately state prisons will not allow us to go anywhere near a computer or Internet and for very good reasons. Prisons are full of predators and many of them are serving time for laws broken via Internet. So, this is how my blog is created and updated and also why having loving supportive people to help is a vital piece of the puzzle.
My only means of communication with the outside is through mail and are brief 10 min. phone calls home. What I do is write, old-school, with pen and paper, then once a week, usually every Monday I send home seven days’ worth of paperwork. My mother and father, between their very busy professional work, God bless their souls, transfer my handwriting to my blog through typing when they have the time in they’re very busy lives. This is why my blog cant always be posted in a timely manner. This is also why support for my readers to understand that the only way I can read your web responses is it my mother printed off on paper and mails it to me. I thoroughly enjoy getting responses from others no matter how it’s done, but if you would like to communicate with me directly, please feel free to send me a letter it should be addressed as follows:
Steven A Dybvad #A665418
Lebanon, Ohio 45036
Monday, January 14, 2013
Doing time in prison is not easy. Often it’s hard not to think of anything but the time I still have left to do. I won’t be tasting freedom again until the year 2016. That’s three years from now. When sitting in a cell it’s deeper than that. It’s six more of my children’s birthdays missed, three more thanksgivings, three more Christmases, three more new year days, four more Golden Globe awards, former People’s choice awards, former Miss Americas and Ms. universes, former Oscar awards, my daughter Caitlin’s graduation, my son’s puberty and choice of men to influence his maturity. I still have more than 1000 days behind bars, over 24,000 hours, 13+ changes in the season; the list goes on and on. No one can tell me that I’m not reaping the consequences for what I’ve done. It’s no wonder that I’m losing hair in strange places.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Maintaining my 2013 commitment to doing more with myself each day working out in a tiny little hotbox of the cell is never easy but it sure feels good when I finish. Relaxed, congratulating myself for pushing through it.
Writing my autobiography as my mind constantly racing about the wreckage of my past along with all of the good times when life was simpler. Nonetheless I can feel growth through this struggle, strengthening my mind, body and soul.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Today’s turned out to be even hotter than yesterday. I was hoping that the winter months would be a comfortable break from the scorching heat of summer temperatures. Oh how I was so sadly mistaken. When the heat plus high humidity reaches these ungodly extremes, you would become consumed by its effects. Doing anything more than sitting completely still an attempt to minimize overheating becomes all that we can think about.
I’m still so amazed at how the very system that holds us accountable for violating state laws continuously and blatantly violates state and federal laws on a regular basis and they continue to play more illegally copied movies that are still fresh in the theaters. More often than they play movies released on DVD. But this isn’t what disturbs me the most, was troubling and most bothersome to me is their complete and utter disrespect and disregard for the distribution of our personal Mail. The guards are constantly tossing the wrong mail belonging to inmates in the wrong cell. Once a letter or magazine is dropped in another man’s cell the chances of ever seeing that mail or magazine is slim to none. Often someone else’s mail is dropped off at my cell and I go out of my way to see that it finds its proper owner in hopes of another man will pay it forward with my mail but let’s face it, this is a prison filled with criminals.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Record high temperatures exceeding 60°, this is the hottest temperature in January since 1911. It might feel great outside but in here with the heat on it feels like a very hot very humid 110°.
I’ve always been worried this someday I would start losing the hair on my head. Hair loss is hereditary and my biological father is completely bald on top. What I never thought I would have to worry about his facial hair loss. The hair loss on my face is driving me completely stark raving mad. I feel just like a dog mange. My nerves are on edge and just getting worse with every day that passes an I see three bald spots on my face getting noticeably bigger with each day that passes. All that I can think about is how bad my face is going to look a month from now, or two months, or will I start to get bald spots on my head, if not already and I just haven’t noticed yet.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
It’s amazing to me how something as simple as a pen can make a big difference on my day-to-day life. The only pen sold here in the commissary is a very generic and faulty one at that. I told my cellmate about how frustrating it can be when the ink constantly stops working in the middle of a sentence. First I have to keep waving the pen around and scribble in a corner, or on a scrap piece of paper until the ink returns, then I have to remember what I was writing and even sometimes forget what I had planned in my head to write on paper, often I think of entire paragraph ahead and it can be difficult to retrieve that much information on the spur of the moment. So yes a simple faulty pen can put a damper on my day, and when you add it all up it can be very time-consuming.
My cellmate solved my problem. Since he’s always downstairs mingling with the other inmates during recreation hours, he asked around and found me a couple of nice, quality pens that come from shipping box items for a decent price. Now it’s easy and smooth writing from here.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
I’ve been trying to read more books and articles about improving my own book writing skills. I’ve found that writing a book is by far more difficult than expected, finding the right words, articulating paragraphs, all the while trying to captivate and maintain the reader’s attention takes a certain amount of skill and experience. Writing true stories about my life experience is one thing but keeping a reader who doesn’t even know me interested while maintaining an honest story is another. Don’t get me wrong, I have enough crazy stories to fill several people’s lives with regret that will take their breath away, but I have to also write about my life in between those highlights, all the while keeping you wanting to read more.
I read a book about 10 or so years ago when it first came out, it was a best seller called ”A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey, which was suppose to be an autobiography about an addict, like me, made many bad decisions after another only to turn his life around. Like many other people I enjoyed this book, I could relate to it and hear stories that kept the readers wanting more. I was disappointed to find out that this guy wrote a book of lies and then called it his autobiography, only to sell more books and he did accomplish his task and A Million Little Pieces became a bestseller.
This gives me great hope in my book, why you ask? Not because I plan on fabricating stories but more because I don’t have to. Maybe you’re thinking this sounds like a selfish statement because my stories have hurt and continue to hurt important people in my life. That’s not it at all. I can finally see more clearly that my life has purpose; I didn’t just live this life to hurt many people, while accomplishing nothing, no I can use the story of my life to help save someone else’s life on the same path of destruction and change their course to true north.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I’m really starting to get aggravated with the problem I’m having that’s apparently getting worse. It started with a small yet very noticeable bald spot on my cheek where my beard grows. The bald spot started out small, smaller than the size of a dime, no big deal, but still concerning for me especially being in this felt the disease riddled environment where it’s possible to catch anything and close to impossible to get proper medical treatment for something before it’s too late. I first noticed this bald spot approximately 3 weeks ago. Since then, not only has this spot grown from the size of the P2 the size of a silver dollar, but now it’s multiplied from one bald spot to three bald spots. The first one I found on my cheek, the second spot I found on my chin last week, and just yesterday I found another one on my upper lip. Now I’ll soon be unable to keep my mustache but I try to have it attempts to portray a certain level of ruggedness. Let’s face it, men go bald all the time, it’s a common issue with men that generally have higher levels of testosterone in their system, but I’ve seen a great many bald men with full beards. How often do you hear about someone getting bald in the face? It’s even gotten to the point where I can still see the bald spots after a clean fresh shaving I haven’t seen the Dr. in here about this yet and I’m quite sure the they won’t do a single thing for me in less I’m in extreme pain or dying. But for me, the bald spots may be a simple cosmetic problem, or it could be linked to a much bigger problem. Like some strange type of bacteria, or airborne pathogen, or God knows what else could be. It’s a fact that I know my problem won’t be treated or even tested in here that multiplies my concern and feelings of utter hopelessness. My cellmate said that my stress is probably just making my problem even worse and he’s probably right. My mother says to give this problem to God and let him handle it and I have done that to an extent. Still doesn’t take the problem away. I also know that God created man and gave man the power to create medicine and technology and it’s still my responsibility seek it out. I’m a Christian, not a science Christian. My mother did some research over the Internet about this and it doesn’t seem to be something serious but, as a bald spots on my face grew bigger and multiply, so is my concern and stress.