Monday, January 7, 2013
I’m still remaining steady and consistent with my new goals of writing and taking notes for my autobiography, health, workout regime, reading, writing letters to family and supportive friends, etc.
A couple of weeks ago I saw a news report about Ohio shutting down some of the prisons and prison expenditures due to funding cutbacks. Today I learned more news from inside of these walls. The prison is taking all of the food workers out of the kitchen and leaving the work for this staff members because there will no longer be any food to prepare or cook, there will only be boxed TV dinners at the staff will just heat and serve. They’re also moving the license plate factory that has been here for many years and locating it in another prison because this prison has been named as one of two more prisons in Ohio to be shut down. I don’t think this will take place right away. Hopefully I’ll be transferred to a better prison before they just start shipping everybody out to any prison with space, whether it’s better or worse. The unfortunate changes that are already questionable meals from the chalice all were about to get much worse effective immediately.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
I kept waking up last night, I can never sleep the night before a visit. Quality time with my family is like insulin to a diabetic, it’s my lifeline, it keeps me going and gives me the strength to continue fighting for my future. So much I took for granted when I was loose on the streets. I pray that I never again lose the clarity and vivid sense of mind and reality that I have had the last two years.
I just spent the best two hours with my mother and my son Taylor. Taylor reminds me so much of me. My heart aches for him and a void that I’ve left in his life.
Michael Santos, like my family and support network give me a sense of hope and strength in knowing that it’s never too late to get my life back if I work hard to earn.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Tomorrow is my first visit of the year, I can’t wait. I can’t say enough about how much I value the time I get to spend with my loved ones. I only wish that my daughter Caitlin was allowed to come see me more often.
I’m very pleased that I finally started working on my book. Recalling my past brings up so many old memories and mixed emotions, some things I have suppressed for so many years. Although stirring up those painful memories can be very difficult to deal with, it’s also a huge relief, weight off of my shoulders and another step forward. It feels good because I know this is a huge part of my recovery into being a better man, father, son and actively contributing member of society.
Friday, January 4, 2013
I have so many plans about living a normal life upon my release. I can picture myself outside, soaking up the sun, the smell of fresh cut grass, birds chirping, the laughter of children playing in the background while I’m digging my hands deep in the rich soil of the yard tending to the plants in the garden, or just on the grill with a nice piece of marinated meat and the intoxicating smell of charcoal burning, while some good music is playing on the stereo nearby. I can see myself sitting in an audience with my daughter Caitlin on the stage during one of her performances, or maybe just a home watching her play the piano, or the guitar while she sings one of her songs that she wrote all by herself. I see my son Taylor and I sitting by the local fishing hole with our polls in the water, or putting another worm on the hook. I can see us riding our bikes around the track, taking him to this Sunday races and bringing home a trophy or plaque the matter what place he gets.
So many things I took for granted that many families enjoy for a lifetime. I only hope and pray that someone else can read about my terrible decisions and make a conscious effort to change your life before it’s too late. It’s not too late for me either, but there is just so much hurt and pain that I can never take back in so much time that my family and I can never get back.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
I’m still holding my daily gears of life in overdrive. The more consistent I remain in my daily activities the easier it gets. I just can’t continue to dwell on my depressing life in prison because I won’t be here forever. Even though three more years is a long time, I still have many good years to come after my release, and the quality of that future depends and relies on how hard I’m willing to work for it right now. It’s all about the journey and the tough decisions all have to make along the journey that will make me a better man in the end.
I’ve been devoting a lot of my time and thought into my autobiography I’m trying to write down every detail missing, rehashing the memories of my entire life is very draining, but I know this is therapeutic, it’s helping me grow and in the end all be a better man because of it. I only hope and pray that this can also jump start the healing process for many other people I’ve hurt over the years and perhaps touched the lives of people I’ve never even met.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Writing my autobiography is not an easy task for me. Stirring up the wreckage of my past causes turmoil and heart ache in my life but, I know that this is something that I have to do for myself in order grow MoveOn. When I finish writing this book I will then be able to release some more of the demons that haunted my life and held me down for so many years. I’m holding nothing back, everything must come out and on the table in order for change to happen.
I’ve done so many stupid things, hurt so many people, only to feed my deadly disease of addiction, ruining lives all along the way. As a result, I must spend the rest of my life working hard to atone for my wrongs.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy new year!
This year is going to be even more productive the last year for me, I can feel it in my bones. I’m not going to keep allowing my emotions take over my world when I get down. I’m going to chase that horse down and jump right back on. I’m going to keep pushing myself to attain my goals even faster, allowing me to create new goals, growing faster, stronger and better.
Midnight was crazy in here last night. It was almost like we had our own times square in here, as soon as the ball dropped the inmates were yelling and banging on the cell doors so loud and so hard that the guards had to cut off the electricity three different times in order to try to get them to quiet down. That was a failed attempt. It sounded like bombs going off, like a riot, only we were all locked up safely in our cells.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Well it’s the last day of the year. So long 2012!
I’ve got to kick this funk I’m in. I refuse to head into the new year in this nasty state of mind. It does no good for any aspect of my life, it can only slow me down. I am just very happy and very blessed that my cellmate doesn’t have a drug or alcohol problem. Many of the inmates are running around with hooch and every other street drug you can think of to celebrate the new year. Not having the cravings or desire to participate in the use of these substances is in itself a celebration for me. I celebrated sobriety on the new year of 2012, and am very proud to say that I’ll be celebrating New Year’s Eve the very same way tonight. Not having to worry about my cellmate is just an added bonus for me.
86.) I see and hear about other men subjecting themselves to longer imprisonment terms all the time. Many behaviors can lead to such outcomes, all of which I stay far away from him and avoid like the plague. Such behaviors are fighting, drinking alcohol, and doing drugs, getting tattoos, even smoking cigarettes and many other behaviors like this lead to trips to the whole and inevitably longer stints in prison.
85.) By setting long and short term goals and sticking to a daily regiment that focuses on changing our life around and creating a better future for ourselves when we are released from prison, we can overcome the ever so apparent despair that accompanies imprisonment.
84.) Hopelessness is a very strong and unbearable emotion that will only disrupt and influence a person’s life to the point where we become paralyzed from moving forward with goals in life due to obsessing over such emotions.
83.) I have an unflinching faith that the Lord will provide me with a good career that will help to carry me in my family through the rest of our lives.