64. What values might lead a person to success upon release from prison?:
There are a great many values that would lead a man to success upon release from prison. Examples of values from the workbook are both the same and also very similar to other values of my own; Integrity, respect, honest, Godliness, discipline, a network of supportive friends and family, health, fitness, continuous growing goals etc. . These are all great values that would lead to a successful life upon release. What is of a greater importance is living consistently by these values and adhering our daily way of life to them.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
I had a good visit with both my mother and father this morning.
I just can’t help but to continue feeling pain and sorrow for the victims and families in Connecticut. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
This just feels like another day to mourn and feel sad for all those poor children and adults that lost their lives yesterday. All of those parents in torment and pain for their children’s lives that just started. They only began to live, and now they’re gone. At least now they’re in a better place.
Tomorrow morning I get to hug my family for the last time in the year 2012 and be so thankful that they’re still here on earth with me.
Friday, December 14, 2012
I just tuned into the live news about another tragic and deadly school shooting. Right now they’re counting at least 27 deaths, most of them are children, and there could be much more. This is horrible! Seeing and hearing about stuff like this happening continually and more regularly just makes me so sick to my stomach. The fact that this happened in a children’s school makes it even harder to deal with. This is every loving parent’s worst nightmare come true. All that we can do right now is pray for all of those victims and their families. I pray every day for the safety of my own children, often more than once a day, and I continue to thank God at the end of every day for keeping them safe for another day.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
It’s getting closer and closer to Christmas and missing my family, especially my children just doesn’t get any easier to deal with, although I have come to terms with and accept the consequences of my actions. I completely understand that I don’t deserve to be spending the holidays with my family for the next few years. What bothers me the most is that my innocent children have to suffer for my poor life choices. The biggest punishment of all is to watch my children grow the inside mental frames like watching time lapse photography me and my children are missing out on far too much of our lives together and it’s all because of me. Now that’s a tough cookie to swallow.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Today I’m going to take a risk and face my fears. I’m going to the Chow Hall for lunch. I’m concerned and very nervous about problems, or another conflict occurring but this is something I have to face and overcome in order to move forward. I’m sick and tired of surviving off noodles and packaged tuna and summer sausage. My body is desperately craving vegetables, and I want everyone reading this to understand, it’s not necessarily the physical violence that I’m afraid of. It’s a consequential results of an altercation this scares me the most. Whether I start a fight, or someone else does, we all go to the hole. Going to the hole would be a permanent tarnish on my perfect record. A trip to the hole not only ruins my perfect record, but it also ruins my chances for an early release and completely takes away any chances I have of getting my security level dropped and moving to a better prison to finish out my sentence.
Well, I’m back from lunch with no problems. I got my nerves so jarred that my stomach was twisted in knots and I could only eat about half of my tray. But this task today wasn’t just about getting some real food to eat, it was about moving forward in life by reaching my goals, facing my fears, and going outside my protective box. I have a great family, friends, and the Lord to thank for my strength and wisdom to continue on this new and foreign path to a better life.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Filling out cards and writing address after address is a much longer task than I ever would have thought. I know this sending out Christmas cards is supposed to be a selfless act but I can’t help feeling good about showing my gratitude and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. This is unfortunate for me to say that it’s a foreign act. Drugs robbed me of all my ambitions and desires to think about or do anything for anyone else other than feed my addiction. I finally feel alive once again! It’s exhilarating to think about life and be a part of living instead of slowly dying the walking death, or dead man walking. Once again I care about people and what’s going on with their lives. I will stop at nothing to ensure that I never go back down that dark and deadly path of destruction. I want to live!
Monday, December 10, 2012
I had a close call at the store today. When I got back to my block after leaving the store, the guard stopped me in my tracks. He said that the commissary guard called him and said that the prisoner behind me in line at the store told him I stole some of his items while checking out at the register. So, I had to stand there and wait for the commissary worker to walk down to my block to investigate me and my belongings. Of course, I knew that there was a mistake, because I didn’t steal anything from anybody and I never will. This is an old, yet all too familiar behavior, commonly related to substance addiction. This is a major part of my past life that I that I am completely through with, it’s behind me, but I will never ever forget about how I got to where I am today and where I am headed with the rest of my life. Anyway, while I’m standing there waiting for the store guard to arrive, the unit guard is steady ragging me about being a thief. Being defensive only would have made me look guilty, so I calmly and simply stated that I have no need to steal from anybody. When the other guard arrived he made me empty my purchased items right on the floor in front of many other prisoners. This made me very nervous for a couple of reasons. Even though I didn’t steal anything, I still could have gone to the hole if I had the same items as the other guy, or the guard just didn’t believe in felt like sending me to the hole for wasting his time. Fortunately I always hold onto my receipt and I didn’t have the same items that were said to be stolen. Just, another close call for me, just another day at Lebanon penitentiary for everyone else.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Working on my textbook assignments allows me to focus my thinking in other directions and realign my goals in the proper way that helps me to stay on track, and reminds me why I get up every day and stay steadfast on the path to a better life for me and my family. My pen is almost completely out of ink, and it’s my last pen I have right now. Pens are cheap, so I never have problems buying them from the store; I’m just always forgetting to get them on the store day. Luckily they change store day tomorrow, so this won’t affect my ability to continue writing everyday.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
They changed our store days from every other Thursday to every other Monday. They did this so that we go to the store at the same time as the honor dorm. They’re turning my dorm into the so-called safe unit and going to the store with the honor dorm makes it safer and less worrisome for all of us. As a matter of fact they are changing everything that we do to be shared with the honor dorm, instead of other more troublesome units. So now when we go to the Chow Hall, or recreation, or to the store it will be done with a more secure feeling of safety than in the past. I’m pretty sure this has a lot to do with our new warden, who is trying to crack down on the violence that this prison is notoriously known for.
Friday, December 7, 2012
I think about my son and daughter all the time. I miss my family so much. The thing is that I didn’t appreciate all the blessings in my life when I was on the streets, strung out on powerful prescription drugs, among many other deadly substances. I dare to say that I didn’t appreciate things as much when I was free because I wasn’t really free, I was in the self-inflicted prison of substance abuse and doing any and everything I possibly could to remain in my toxic trans-, oblivious to caring about the world around me. Now that I’ve woken from my drug induced coma, I care about everything and everyone in my life, so much that it hurts. I am deeply affected by any and everything that goes on in my life and the lives of everyone around me. Although these extreme emotions are often painful, it is invigorating to be able to feel again, and to care about something other than my next fix. I see my sensitive nature as a strong, positive quality of mine and I will stop at nothing to ensure that I continue moving forward on this path, never to return to that old way of life. I wouldn’t even call it a way of life, it was more like the walking dead.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I finally got a thorough examination of all my teeth from the prison dentist. I was very disappointed yet not at all surprised to hear him say that I have extensive damage, multiple cavities, and the only thing that the prison will pay for his me to get them pulled. My teeth have gone bad for a number of reasons, but the biggest reason is my prolonged drug abuse over the years. Also, my favorite thing to eat is hot and spicy foods, which helped create my stomach ulcer which causes acid reflex, acid reflux eats away the protective enamel of teeth. My constant indulgence of hot spicy food also has a lot to do with my addictive personality. Eating spicy hot food causes the body to release natural endorphins transmitting the illusion of being high. I’ve also done my fair share of vomiting from all of the highly toxic substances, mainly from taking enough prescription pills to put down a horse. The more I think about all the drugs I was doing the more that I realize I should be dead already and God is kept me alive in this world for a much greater purpose. So, when you really think about it, comparing my teeth to my life is like comparing mountains to a molehill. I would trade every one of my teeth for my life back any day of the week.