Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Christmas is just around the corner. Usually I make cards for everyone from scratch. I draw pictures, color them, perhaps even think of a poem, and do my best to make them look like a Hallmark card, except I just call mine Dybvad cards with love. Well this year I think I’m just going to purchase some real cards from the commissary store. I’m trying hard to change my past old ways and a part of my past was only worrying about what my children and immediate family members get for Christmas, if anything at all. The more aware that I become of my life and the people involved in my life, the more people I realize I need to recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate them. Well, I have a lot of people in my life that I need to send cards to, and for me to make every one of them from scratch would take entirely too long. My need to do every card perfectly would get in the way of my time, obligations, and it would mess with my daily routine. I’m just so thankful to be of clear heart and mind and sober enough to take the necessary time and steps in order to extend my thoughts, appreciation, and holiday wishes to the people that have done the same for me unconditionally for so many years.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Exposed to cool down later on this evening, I find myself counting the hours. I also can’t wait to wash my clothes and sheets. It would be pointless to watch them before the temperature cools down, just too quickly dirty them up all over again from sweating profusely besides; washing close and sheets are not an easy task by far. With warm water from the sink a bar soap, and a small wash bucket the size of a small trashcan underneath of the computer desk, doing laundry can take all day, washing one item at a time, constantly having to change the water, replace the soap, rinse and repeat, etc. When you still have to be prepared to have wet clothing and sheets hang drying for at least a day or two
My confidence continues to grow with every day that I stay focused on my goals. I keep pushing myself to read more, write more, continue working on my workbook assignments, physical workouts and mental health workouts, etc. My physical health, mental health, and faith in God and future grows stronger every day that passes.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I was very pleased to see my son’s face when I walked into the visitation room today. It’s so comforting to see how his face lights up when he sees me to, and he grabs me and gives me a super long bear hug. I couldn’t ask for a more fulfilling and enjoyable use of our two short hours together. Life is just too short and children grow entirely too fast for one to be locked away in some jail or prison. There are so many great things that we as people take for granted, we just don’t realize until it’s gone, or taken away from us how nice we had it.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Today is the first day of December, and yet I’m still sitting in my cell breaking the constant sweat. It almost seems like we won’t even get to have a winter this year. No matter how hot it gets outside, they will not stop pumping heat through our vents until next year. I’ve never wanted it to be cold outside this bad until now. Cold temperatures outside mean normal temperatures inside our cells.
Tomorrow I get to visit with my family; I’m so excited I just can’t wait. My mom said that she’s going to try to get Taylor in time to come see me; this would be a blessing for I value any and every opportunity to visit with my children.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Today I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been dragging around the fear of another altercation for the last three months and steadily taken its toll on me. My guard is still up and it will continue to be up for the duration of my stint in prison but I feel as if I’ve conquered the constant, daily reminding fear of returning to the Chow Hall the gym, or recreational area.
I just picked up a book that my mother had sent to me via Amazon.com the book is called a treasury of philosophy it contains all of the great philosophers from the beginning of time like Plato, Aristotle, and many other great men like former Pres. Abraham Lincoln. I’ve started reading this book and I can’t wait to learn more about these great people and what they contributed to our way of life.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Now that it’s done and over with, I am glad that my bunky forewarned me about our trip to the gym after all. When they unlocked all of our cells for lunch today they said that everyone had to leave so that they could spray chemicals for bugs. They do this every three months. I’m thankful every day that God has blessed me with a good bunky that knows about my life situation and cares about my safety and well-being. On our way to Chow my first time going back to the cafeteria in over three months Dwayne my bunky reassured me that I had nothing to worry about in the Chow Hall, or even in the gym for that matter. He said that he will always have my back. I thanked him for the encouragement and told him that I would never ask him to resort to violence for me, and that if something like that was going to happen I knew that God would see me through it. Nonetheless, it felt very good to have the one man in here that I trust to take away some of the anxiety of being in a room the size of a regular high school gymnasium with hundreds of inmates, shoulder to shoulder, Dwayne remained at my side for the 2 1/2 hours we were stuck in there, and now we’re both back in our cell, safe and sound. Arriving back in my nest without a scratch feels like I just completed a 10K run, whew!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Today seems to be one of those days that I just can’t think of a single thing to write about. I hate living in a constant fear for my safety. My bunky says that there’s talk of another thing going to happen in here. The tension in here is supposedly so thick could cut it with a knife. Plus we are all do for another bug spraying in the block, which means that every one of us has to be in the gym at the same time. I hate this feeling; I wish my bunky wouldn’t even tell me about some of the crap that goes on in here. Two big gang leaders are feuding about something and they both live in our block. I hate this life I’ve created for myself. I always feel so helpless in here, there’s absolutely nothing that I can do for myself except for cross my fingers, pray to God, and hope for the best. I always lived my life outside as if this would never happen to me, and yet here I am.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
It’s hard for me to understand how much turmoil is still around the world. There are so many terrible things happening all around the world, like war, pollution, climate changes, oceans rising, shorelines disappearing. We can control robots on Mars, grow human ears on the back of a rat, I even just read an article about scientists using microwave radiation to make objects appear invisible to the naked eye but, we can’t stop murdering people blowing stuff up, polluting our precious and fragile planet, or cure cancer and many other deadly diseases. I’m just amazed at how backwards this world is. Our nation’s leaders can’t even figure out how to fix our deficit, but hey, don’t worry about it because we’ve got cool things like IPad’s to occupy your mind what we continue to destroy our planet.
Monday, November 26, 2012
I find that I constantly have to kick myself to stay on track; stay focused, and not get down in the dumps. The way of life that I have chosen to live in here as a prisoner is a very difficult one. I have not taken the easy road by living as a hermit, distancing myself from every soul in here by remaining in my cell that is now my fortress of solitude. The path that I’ve chosen is very difficult for me, especially as a recovering addict, it would be much easier for me to get acquainted with the people that are using drugs, cooking hooch, getting tattoos, gambling and so on and so forth. I could easily get lost in that world and forget about all of my problems but the reality is that not only would living that way in here just prolong my problems, it would also create many more problems. My sobriety has opened my eyes to a great many harsh realities but I thank God every day that he removed those unhealthy urges for inebriation. God has helped me to open my eyes and my heart, and although I feel a great deal of pain as a result of this awakening, I welcome it, I wouldn’t change a thing, because the pain is given me purpose, it makes me feel alive again when I’ve been dead for so long. I have solid goals, aspirations, and dreams for a new, rich and fulfilling life with my family and children after my release from this wretched institution. So, at the end of the day I’m thankful for my suffering because I need to remember this life as a life I never want to even consider returning to.
November 19, 2012
“Law Man” by Shon Hopwood
I chose to read this book because it’s a story of a man who made terrible choices that led him to prison, overcame the struggles and adversities of prison and made a better life for himself and his family. I chose to read this book because I want to find more inspiration from another person in the same boot as me.
I would like to say that I learn a lot from all of the books of people surviving prison and making a better life for themselves but, I found myself becoming more disappointed in losing more respect for Shon with each chapter I read.
Shon immersed himself in every aspect of prison life, the good, the bad, and the dangerous. Shon could have avoided many of the problems he faced in prison. Shon played risky games of basketball with other races, even after he was told not to because it’s frowned upon by all inmates, black, white, Hispanic, or any other ethnic background, it would always cause problems. This was more an example of prison politics the question of racism and Shon continued to go against the grain. Shon also chose to argue over petty issues such as the television channel, which caused him to have to fight, which led him to the hole. He also continued to indulge in drinking hooch this is prison brewed out of and drugs like smoking marijuana. All of these decisions he made were dangerous, risky behaviors that cause a number of different problems within the system that puts his life at risk inevitably led to good days being shaved off his sentence, causing him to stay in prison even longer. Shon also got into a relationship with a woman before he really truly got a grip on his own life this led to issues within his relationship. These many various decisions are very similar to the choices that put Shon in prison in the first place. I think the only good thing Shon did with his time in prison is studying law.
By reading this book I’ve learned that my own set of morals and values are constantly rising within myself the more I practice living a wholesome, spiritual life, always thoroughly thinking through every decision before I make the choice, calculating where that choice will lead my life, whether it be the near future, or the distant future. Reading Shon’s book has brought more clarity to my own life.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Tough day surrounded by screaming animals all aroused by the emotions of the Holidays and missing their families. There are wild beast in this place! Caged, human animals! W!ow, where is the reform?
I miss my kids