Saturday, November 24, 2012
I often get the length of time I have left to serve stuck in my head. Needless to say I make it very hard on myself when I think like this. It makes time seem like it’s standing still. I try to read, listen to music, watch TV, and I just can’t focus on anything but the reality of my life. I have 3 1/2 more years of prison.
Even though I sometimes feel this way, the feelings are fewer and further apart. Compared to the recent past I’d have to say that all-around I’m doing much better. After all, we all have our bad days.
Friday, November 23, 2012
I just received a very inspirational letter from my mother. She copied a message from another man that reads my blogs that I’ve never even met before. I’ve always wondered if my writing is reaching out to other people in need, and I’m thrilled to see that it is. This gentleman is about to embark on his own journey and experiences own struggles in prison. He is been searching for a better understanding of the difficulties he’s about the face and he took some comfort in understanding the system a little better from reading my Journal entries on the web. I can’t say that I made him feel any better about what he’s facing in the near future but I can say that I probably helped to shed a little light on the subject, possibly helping him to prepare himself a little better. Just to see that my work is also helping others is therapeutic for me
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving is here. Today is a day to give thanks for all of our blessings, big, or small we should always be grateful, even for the things that we take for granted on a daily basis. I’m grateful for my wonderful family even though I can’t be with them to celebrate this American holiday, I thank God every day that my family is still on my side, rooting for me, waiting to welcome me home with open arms. I’m thankful that God has chosen to keep me alive for a greater purpose in life. I’m so thankful for my beautiful children and comfort in knowing that they are safe and protected.
There are so many things in my life that I could complain about and dwell on but, life is too short to be living tenuously. Thanksgiving is a reminder for all of us to take a look at all the blessings in our lives and be thankful. Today I choose to live positively in full of gratitude. If I can appreciate life like this in one of the worst of many prisons in Ohio, and anyone can do it.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Often I sit here and think about my family and the huge caring hearts that’s per prevalent on my mother’s side of the family. Everyone is just so nice and warm and thoughtful than outsider might view us as fake putting on a facade but we don’t, compassionate feelings run deep seated in our family. I often read articles of tragic things happening to people and their families are stories of others going above and beyond to help others with selfless acts or monetary contributions and I always get a little choked up because I care to, I have a great big heart also I always have, it was passed down to me it’s in my family genes, it just comes naturally to me. This is a big part of the reason it’s so hard for me to conform to this prison and adjust to the heartless ways of life, it’s just not natural for me. So I continue to analyze my life and the choices that led me up to this point. Man I’ve done some really hurtful things that have negatively affected so many innocent people in my life. Over and over I say to myself how could you do so many bad things over and over again Steven? Well I’ll tell you how I’m a drug addict. I allowed drugs to ruin and run my life for so long that the need for drugs was making decisions for me. I turned off the switch for caring about anything else. Now that my switch is turned back on and is been for quite some time I realize now that I can never compromise that switch ever again. This means that I can never pick up another drug for the rest of my life, or else my life will be over. My compassion and sensitivity for others is a rare quality that defines part of who I am and I never want to lose that again.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I picked up where I left off with reading the book Untethered soul it’s an interesting book that talks about our inner voice, how we have one in the book tries to teach and explain to us how to control that voice a little better and start making that voice listen to us, instead of the other way around. If I can fully understand this book and grasp the context, I know it will be of tremendous help to me, because my inner voice has always had the upper hand in controlling me and leading me down the wrong path in life and choices.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Well, I finally finished reading law man and have officially submitted my report. This was the first of many books I’ve read that I’m disappointed in. I’m not disappointed in the book itself but more or less a story in the long list of bad choices it were continuously made even after being locked away in prison. If you want to read my full report and more elaborated opinions, you can find it on the website.
The weather here in Ohio is insane! It’s nothing like it used to be. Winters are getting warmer and it’s snowing less often. What have we done to the planet? It’s no longer safe to ignore in Justin I what’s happening on a global aspect. What does the future mother Earth hold in store for my children, their children and the future generations to come? Is the world coming to an end? These thoughts are no longer a taboo as they were in the past. Every year were losing 3 to 5 feet of coastline due to the polar ice caps melting and breaking off at an alarming rate. Companies now have to produce synthetic sand and have dump trucks full of this sand poured all over our coastline in attempts to get it back. Storms of the century are happening multiple times a year. Why are we ignoring this as human beings? Technology has surpassed the massive need for petroleum and yet the power and greed continues to drive us to pollute the earth, eating away at our fragile ozone layer that protects harmful rays of the sun from doing things like melting away our precious icecaps and permanently changing our world.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Today I get to spend time on a visit with my mother. I always look forward to my visits, seeing my family gives me the strength to keep going forward in this place that sends so many lives in the wrong direction.
Just got back from my visit spending time with my mother is so refreshing. Watching someone smile and talk positive and optimistic is so different from the world in here. I get so much more quality time in the two hours we get to spend together in here rather than an entire day together on the outside. On the outside in the recent years and not so recent years my mind was so clouded with marijuana smoking other powerful drugs that my head was never clear enough to hold a good conversation me. I’m finally starting to realize how difficult it must’ve been for my entire family and how much pain I caused so many people that care about me, over and over again. I can never go back to that way of life.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thanksgiving is just a few days away I often sit here and draw mental picture of my family, all gathered into one house, having a good time, talking about latest occurrences, seeing how much the children have grown since the year before, eating good food and giving thanks for all of the wonderful blessings that God has bestowed upon us and our family as a whole. I miss times like this so much it hurts. I know that once I get my life back nothing will ever stop me from keeping the important things in my life that I cherish.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Sometimes, when I read books about the things that happened a man will serving their time in prison it really bothers me because the reality can very easily be my reality in the blink of an eye. I read about violent attacks, situations where men have no choice but to fight back in order to protect themselves in an uncomfortable hot flush runs through my body from head to toe. I’m almost finished reading law man and I’m certain that this will be the last prison book I’ll read in quite a long time. This place is unusually more difficult to adjust to and come to terms with more than many other guys in here not because I’m better than anyone because I’m not but more because I was never exposed to this violent, evil moralist way of life growing up. Exposure to this constant madness weighs heavily on my soul and my sobriety only intensifies these powerful feelings and fears of imprisonment.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Another store day here in gone. I’m not sure why but today I wasn’t as stressed out as I usually am when I have to go get my biweekly commissary. I guess I just have more faith that the Lord will take care of me and even if something was to happen to me I know that I have the strength to deal with whatever comes my way. I haven’t heard from my daughter Caitlin in a while I’m sure she’s doing fine. Caitlin I miss you so very much and I just can’t wait until the next time we get to see each other.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I remember growing up in listing to my father talk about how very little sleep he got day after day and I could see how he envied me for how easily I slept every night. Dad would even say to me be lucky that you don’t have any problems sleeping and I hope for your sake you don’t get this way when you get older. Now I completely understand how lucky I was, every night I toss and turn through the entire evening I’m always up before the crack of dawn. I lay still for hours hoping I go back to sleep, most of the time it just doesn’t happen.
Every day we get our cells open for 1 1/2 hours of recreation on a rotating schedule of three different shifts of the day, one recreation for every floor of the block. Whether it be morning, noon, or night I’m always on guard for that period of time well our cells are unlocked I remain in my cell for a number of reasons. The top reasons are my safety in the fact that I don’t want any involvement with other people that could very likely get me in trouble, like going to the hole for something I didn’t start, do, or even participate in. This doesn’t vanquish the constant worry the trouble can still find me in my cell while I’m in here. During recreation all I can do is stay alert by sitting up on my bed with my eyes on the door at all times. After a while it starts to feel like normal everyday routine but it never stops weighing on my soul. I only hope I’m not doing permanent damage to my body from the constant stress. I have a feeling I should seek therapy for my stint here in prison after my release.