by Steven Dybvad

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families affected and/or devastated by hurricane Sandy. It’s so scary to sit back and look at the big picture of our planet and how rapidly it’s changing. What used to be considered storms of the century are now starting to happen every year. Thinking of our planet from this aspect is very similar to how a lot of inmates think about our lives in prison. It’s a big fear of the unknown that always gets us. What’s going to happen next? Is he going to get better, or is it going to keep getting worse? It’s also the fact that we have no control over these major catastrophes that affect our lives in such a major way.

by Steven Dybvad

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My mother sent me some more books from Amazon. They look like they’re going to be a good read, one book is by Joel Osteen, he writes really good stuff, so I’m sure I’ll enjoy his new one “I declare 31 promises to speak over your life”. Mom gets me a lot of books to try and help me with my struggles in here. It is very helpful but if she keeps getting the books at this rate of speed I will have my own library in here. It’s great, my bunky also reads my books and I really enjoy being able to have someone in here that also shares my drive and desire to make a change in our lives. I look forward to being able to share my books and help more people, maybe even have a chance to lead a class that teaches the Straight A Guide system being able to help and share with others is very helpful for me and is one of the many key ingredients to recovering from substances and living a better, successful and productive way of life for me, my children, my family and society.

by Steven Dybvad

Monday, October 29, 2012

Sweet 16. This is and will be one of the most memorable birthdays of my daughter’s life, and I’m not in it. Correction, every time Caitlin looks back in life at her sweet 16 birthday she will remember that her father was in prison for. I hope and pray every day that my future success will play a huge role in how my daughter looks at me. I hope that Caitlin will see how my past struggles with addiction is what in the end led me to a much better life is a man and loving father. Happy birthday Caitlin. I love you, I miss you and I’m sorry I’m not there for your birthday. I’m diligently working on my life and turning around completely so that I can be a good father for you and Taylor, ensuring that I will never have to miss out on a single other birthday or special occasion of years once I’m released from prison.

by Steven Dybvad

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I just spent an awesome two hours hanging out with my mother, talking about life family and our future. I cherish my mother deeply. She is so loving and caring. She has a way of comforting me just by looking at me. I only wish I could do a better job comforting her. I can see the pain that my imprisonment is causing her and it pains me to watch what my past drug addicted choices continues to cause her and the rest of my wonderful family.

 

My daughter Caitlin’s birthday is tomorrow. She went to Kings Island with a few of her girlfriends, and then they all stayed at the hotel next door to Kings Island.  I hope and pray that Caitlin as a wonderful sweet 16. I also hope she gets my card on time, for unfortunately this is the extent of what I can do for her on her birthday.

by Steven Dybvad

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I get to spend some quality time with my mother tomorrow morning when she comes to visit me all by herself. I can’t wait to see her one on one. Granted I love to see my father and children to but it takes the focus away from our conversations together. I’ve always felt so close to my mother. We have a type of bond that is like no other. I’ve always been able to open my heart to her and share things with her that I would never share with anybody else. I know in some ways this is unhealthy, for when I share too much, I know she carries the pain and the burden as if it’s her own. So I am trying to find other more healthy ways of venting. Writing is one way of therapy but, also through writing I’ve gained healthy people that have reached out to me and open their hearts to me, thus helping me to open my heart to them consider them as an important part of my support group, strengthening my recovery and widening my road to a new and successful way of life.

by Steven Dybvad

Friday, October 26, 2012

Often I think about my life as a child growing up without a father. My life was a little different because I never even knew my biological father, Jim. It wasn’t until I was 18 years old that I met him after he contacted my family upon his third release from prison. I’ve already wrote about Jim many times after I ran into him this last time in the County jail while awaiting to be sentenced. Growing up I made numerous promises to myself that I would always be there for my children before they were even born. Now look at me, I can’t even be there for anything at all. I’ve missed out on so many important parts of their life and will continue to miss out for another 3 1/2 years. This is sickening to the thought. I can only imagine how my two beautiful children must feel; it was a little easier for me as a child because I never knew my father and I have an amazing mother. I know my children and I love them deeply, as I know they love me. My drug addiction has placed me in and out of their poor lives repeatedly and for that I can’t imagine how much I’ve hurt them and torn their world apart.

by Steven Dybvad

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I choose to continue to live the way I doing here, not because I’m afraid but, because I want a new life for myself and my family. A normal person would think it’s easier to do what I’m doing staying in my cell, away from prison social life. Well it’s not! I am a drug addict! I have 20 months of pure sobriety and it is not been easy. I have the means and resources to be intoxicated every day in here making the world around me easy and carefree, but I don’t, I’m on a hard road, a path less traveled and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Every day I thank the Lord for helping me to fight off the urge us to do drugs, drink hooch, smoke tobacco, join gangs for protection, get tattoos, etc.

by Steven Dybvad

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Today I’m working to finish a card for my mother. Her birthday is also next week on November 3. These days in prison are really taking a toll on me. I never leave my cell but the loud thumps and thoughts and screaming voices outside our never the sound of cheerful laughter and harmony, it’s just the opposite. It’s always the sounds of cussing, yelling, fighting, threatening, etc. Plus disconnecting myself from these people in this world is much harder than you’d you think, the days feels so long and drawn-out, unlike everyone else in here, hanging out, whether or not they’re getting into trouble they’re breaking up the monotony, making time fly by. I however remain in my cell, alone, day after day. This makes it very hard to get out of my own head and stay positive about my current life situations. It also makes it very difficult to find new topics to write about day after day.

by Steven Dybvad

Monday, October 22, 2012

I’m really enjoying this book I’ve been reading called the Untethered soul by Michael Singer it helps me to better understand my thought process and how to change. This book sheds a different light on a problem that I’ve struggled with for many years of my life. For a long time now I thought about my problems with depression in the aspect that I would just have to find better ways of dealing with my depression. Will this book is helping me understand that I don’t have to be depressed at all, I can control and change how my mind thinks, and I can overpower the negative voices in my head. And I can! It’s working! I’m finally learning how to control and silences voices.

by Steven Dybvad

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Today I’m trying to finish up the final touches on Caitlin’s birthday card, so it gets to her house on time, or close enough to her birthday. This card is difficult for me to make. What do you draw for a young woman turning 16? What do I write? Caitlin is going to Kings Island with four of her friends than they’re going to stay at the hotel right next door toKings Island. I hope that Caitlin has a wonderful time with your friends, making great memories of her sweet 16th birthday.

Aside from reading a good book here and there, and of course the amazing visits with my children family, these last few weeks have been uneventful on the outside of prison people tend to think that uneventful is a pretty boring way to live but, in here it’s a relief knowing I continue to remain safe and sound. Prison news is just like the news on the television, all news is bad news and no news is great news. This of course gives me less to write in my journal but, it gives me more time and opportunity to focus on my life and work without stress.

by Steven Dybvad

Saturday, October 20, 2012

My daughter Caitlin’s birthday is next Monday, the 29th. It’s her sweet 16th birthday and I’m not going to be a part of it. This continuously makes me upset when I think about it. Being in prison continues to cause my family more, new pain. When ever my daughter looks back at her life, she will always remember where her father was on her 16th birthday and still another three birthdays after this one. I have been and will continue to be absent from so many important memories like Caitlin’s graduation. Regardless of the pain associated with these thoughts, they also serve as a constant reminder of why it is imperative that I change my life and everything I do, every decision I make must be made with much thought and detail of every outcome. There can never be any more gray areas in my life.


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