by Steven Dybvad

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I’m so frustrated right now.  My mail is constantly being dropped off to other inmate’s cells by the third shift guards.  This is absolutely ridiculous!  I’m filing a well thought out formal complaint.  Ever since the federal US mail service stopped the prison staff from inspecting our mail, having to lay off workers in the process, I believe that the guards are intentionally sabotaging our incoming mail.  I just wonder how many other letters that I’ll never see again.  Just last night three pieces of my mail were dropped off in two other cells than mine.

by Steven Dybvad

Friday, September 14, 2012

Just another day in my cell.  Absolutely nothing different from yesterday. 

I just got another letter from my daughter, Caitlin.  I’m so thrilled to be communicating with her more often.  I look forward to building a stronger relationship with her, even though I have to start doing it from behind bars.

by Steven Dybvad

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I continue to get more letters from guys I met in the county jail that are now at home looking me up on the Internet.   It feels great to hear how much of an impact my work and preparations for prison was making on other men in jail.

For all my readers; I greatly appreciate your responses and your support for the life changes I’m making in here.  If you might be on your way to prison, I’m not going to lie, this may be the most difficult times of your entire life, but if you truly want to change your life around for the greater good, then let nothing get in your way, no matter how tough it gets.  You will be thankful and appreciate the end results of your new found way of life.

by Steven Dybvad

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Having not left my cell at all for the last couple weeks certainly makes the days all mesh together.  I can only hope and pray that my inmate record continues to go untarnished for at least a full twelve months so I can transfer onto a better prison.

I’ve been trying to do workouts and stretches to get rid of the painful kinks in my neck and back and it just doesn’t seem to be working.  The pain just won’t go away and today it feels worse than yesterday.

by Steven Dybvad

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I’m not in as much pain as yesterday, but it’s still very noticeable and very sharp, making it difficult to move around or look down at my work.  Regardless, I’m powering through this temporary handicap, getting things accomplished.

Today is an important day to remember the thousands of lives we tragically lose in the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers of 9-11.

Today every single inmate in the entire prison gets T.B. shot.  In order for the staff to do this quickly and efficiently they lock us all in our cells for the day.  Aside from having a bag lunch brought to my door, which I might add was a special treat; this is just another day at Lebanon Institution for me.

I just received a Jpay message from my daughter Caitlin!  This is awesome!  I love hearing from my daughter, it brightens my day to know that she’s thinking about me.  Thank you Caitlin!  I love you!

by Steven Dybvad

Monday, September 10, 2012

I’ve tried to get up and get started today, but I just can’t move.  I must have slept on my neck all wrong because I’m in serious pain and discomfort from my entire neck down my entire upper back.  This will likely conclude my writing for the duration of the day.  At least I can read while lying flat on my back.

by Steven Dybvad

Sunday, September 02, 2012

I’m at a major loss for words right now.  I don’t know what to do!  All I can do is wake in the morning, ask the Lord for his protection and guidance.  I pray for the strength to make it through another day.  The only thing I can say to my readers right now is that I will never give up!     

I know there’s a better life waiting for me!

by Steven Dybvad

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I’m having a very difficult time with myself right now.  I’m like a prisoner inside of a prison.  I’ve quit leaving my cell all together.  I haven’t been to the chow hall since lunch on Tuesday before the incident in the yard.  I don’t even try to get on the phone or get ice from the ice machine.  I bathe out of my sink; I eat the same old ram-en noodles or tuna meal after meal.

I’ve dedicated myself to making a change, living opposite of the prison “norm” and now it’s bringing me problems.  I’m so confused.  It feels like the only way I can take back control of my life in here is to go against my beliefs, against what Michael claims worked for him, resort to violence and attack someone.  Just the thought of this makes me nauseous.  I’m not a violent man, but I cannot survive another 3 ½ years in constant fear and paranoia like this!

by Steven Dybvad

Friday, August 31, 2012

I hate what I’ve done to my life, I hate what I’ve done to the lives of my children, family and my loved ones.  It’s one thing to have to endure this hell that I’ve unleashed upon myself, but the heart ache that I’m putting my poor sweet mother through and my fatherless children that can’t run to me for help or comfort or just to go fishing, play catch, swim etc.  I can’t be there for Caitlin’s plays, musicals, tryouts or Taylor’s football games.  I feel so damn depressed right now, nothing to comfort me either.

I have got to get out of this funk!  It feels like the only thing I can do is go find one of those ruthless gang members and show them I can defend myself.

I just don’t understand, I’m in here living like Michael Santos under the radar and it didn’t work!  My abnormal life as a prisoner hermit has caused me to stand out.  I seek no friends, I want nothing to do with anybody and because of it I stick out like a sore thumb.  I’m never ever going to give up this fight for a new life, but that’s not helping my current situation.

 

by Steven Dybvad

Thursday, August 30, 2012

My amazing supporters, friend’s family, Peri and Gretchen are coming to visit me today.  I’m nervous and excited.  I haven’t seen either of them in such a long time.  I’m still so consumed by what happened to me on Tuesday that I’m very worried about spoiling the visit because my thinking is discombobulated right now.  I’m really trying to snap out of it.  There is so much that I would love to talk about other than this wretched place.

I had a wonderful visit with Peri and Gretchen and my mother.  It’s always a blessing to spend time with loved ones.  I tried hard to hold back my emotions that are uncontrollably running wild.  We could have talked about a lot more but just as I suspected, I was drawing blanks.  I hate this feeling of hopelessness that is overwhelming my every thought.

by Steven Dybvad

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I’m really struggling today.  I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I just can’t stop worrying about what could happen next.  If my writing stops, it only means one thing, I’ve gone to the Hole.  What bothers me even more is that someone else will have caused me to go to the Hole.

Regardless of whether or not I fight back in order to protect myself, they always send both parties to the Hole for 45 or more days.  I can’t think straight, my mind keeps racing so fast that I can’t focus or concentrate on any other thing.  It’s taking all that I can muster just to do this writing.  I live like Michael Santos did, not associating with anybody, so why has someone already tested me physically?  Michael was in prison for 25 years without a fight.  I just got here!  Why me?  What in the hell is going on?  I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t borrower from people, I don’t even talk to them!  Now I don’t even go to the chow hall.  I’m about to rapidly lose weight.  All I can do right now is stay in this cell and pray.

by Steven Dybvad

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I just got jumped on in the recreation yard by a gang member that I don’t even know.  I think they were trying to take my radio, but I refused to drop it on the ground.  I just held on to it tightly and blocked my head from getting struck with my arms and hands shielding me.  I never would have even gone outside today, but they forced the entire unit to leave so they could spray for bugs.  I’m not going to say what gang this man was affiliated with because this isn’t over with. 

Now some guys are telling me if I pay them, I won’t have anything to worry about, but if I don’t then they’re coming after me.  I just told the messenger that they sent to my door that I’m not paying anybody a dime.  Now I’m scared to death!  I can’t think about anything else but the fear of what could happen next.  All I could think about while that man was hitting me is that I’m going to go to the Hole and this will be on my record.  Fortunately I stayed on my feet, took the punches, absorbing them as best as I could and no guards saw what happened.  I might not be so fortunate the next time, but I refuse to just allow another man or some gang to extort me.  I might not have a choice other than to fight back to protect myself and go to the Hole. 

Please pray for me!


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