Phillip Jamison/ Personal Journal Entry: Prison and Divorce
On Thursday Apr 19th, 2012 I was called into the administration office at the Lompoc Prison South Camp. Upon arrival I encountered a Sheriff there to serve me divorce papers from my wife of 6 years who also wishes to gain full legal custody of my children and relinquish my visitation rights. My first thoughts were deplore and shock, for I’ve come to miss her and didn’t want to be alone. Followed by that was the feeling of confusion and the unwillingness to accept the reality of the situation. These are not only her children, they are our children… They need their father just as much as they need their mother. Unable to react upon the current situation at hand could make a man lose his mind. The feeling of being trapped within my current state of incarceration not able to do anything is like a helpless insect caught within a spiders web.
However, I can openly state that the man I was prior to incarceration lacked humility, honesty and open-mindedness. He also lacked the responsibility to do the right thing. My old self would have approached this matter with irrational conduct, for I would have cursed her and found blame with in her for my own actions. My biggest road block was the world should suit me, not me suit the world. So she has every right to hold animosity against me and wish to part ways. However, regardless that the culmination of my illicit actions have reached stratospheric heights. As a man practicing positive values, I choose to look upon this matter with objectivity. My past criminal behaviors created a ripple effect that heavily impact the lives of others, especially my wife. My past irrational behavior is something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. But, I choose to face the reality with willingness and the fortitude to challenge my past criminal behaviors and triumph over the adversity of my actions only to emerge from incarceration a better man and a better father. Through my time in prison, I’ve come to terms that people make mistakes that completely redirect their lives. But inch by inch life’s a clinch and yard by yard life is hard and full of surprises and serendipity. One must always opened to unexpected turns in the road because it’s an important part of life. You make discoveries with in yourself. Some negative and some valuable. But you filter out the negative and zone in on the positive.
As selfish as this may sound. As a prisoner, I’ll have to do the right thing first and looking out for myself. But, as I continue to progress further in becoming my values and cleansing my life of all criminal thoughts and behavior. My next step will be devoting my life to finding inner peace with in myself, for the worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. Only those who know internal peace can give it to others. Although I have failed at being a husband. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. This time with greater values and beliefs. My only medicine for my suffering, crime and all the other woes of mankind, is only wisdom… further more, as I finally move forward in being released back into society, I’ll have new challenges to fulfill…