Steven Dybvad – Personal Journal – April 1 thru April 28, 2013

by Steven Dybvad

Monday, April 1, 2013.

 

Finally, for the first time in my life I have the manly chest and arms. Of course my body is a major work in progress. But, I can already see and feel major progress in my strength, muscle mass, stamina, and just my all-around daily health. I feel such a daily satisfaction in my unwavering dedication to change. Three months ago, in December of 2012, I made a resolution to changing my health and body and I stuck to my guns, I haven’t given up. Since then, and I feel so good about my life that I have no doubt that I will never go back to living unhealthy.

 

Upon hearing the Chow Hall for lunch today, I noticed that there were people dressed in suits and skirts, males and females from the outside world. They were scattered around various tables, mingling and eating with us, even our new Warden was at a table, eating with the inmates. No wonder the food was just a little extra tasty. I’m not sure why exactly they were here; all I know is that I heard there from a state office in Columbus. Unfortunately, nobody was sitting at the table that I ate at to talk to.

 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013.

 

I just returned from a hall pass to go get some legal mail, at least that’s what the past said. I had no idea what I could possibly be receiving from the courts, but this time I remain calm and rational until I could find out what was really going on. When I finally got to the mail room, I quickly found out that had nothing to do with legal mail. What I found out was that the new Warden issued a restriction on all-time magazines for this month. I had to sign a form, allowing them to either dispose of the magazine, or send home. I was told that the warden placed a restriction on the time magazine specifically for just this month because of the article on gay marriage, with two men kissing on the front. Now I’m not going to speak on my beliefs about this subject as it has created such a controversial uproar in our nation right now. But, I am very curious to know whether or not it was right for the warden to issue such a ban on up-to-date information that we should have the right to be privy to.

 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013.

 

I can feel it a lot of animosity and frustration building up inside of me towards my cellmate. In the past, I’ve tried to not write about other inmates on my blog, per suggestions of Justin Paperny me and the possibility of repercussions. However, I do think I’m a fairly good judge of character I’m confident that I can write within the boundaries of a variable recursive action against me. Besides, I write in this journal, every single day, not just for others but more importantly for me, to help me grow in my ways, and find a positive and healthy release about. So, first of all, I know that there are other more herbal individuals that I could be locked in a cell with every day but this guy is really starting to get under my skin. He is so extremely passive; he just won’t speak up about a single problem. I also love to keep to myself. But, I don’t do things in spite and I speak up if I have an issue that needs to be addressed, otherwise how else will a problem get resolved, right? He seems to be getting more and more sneaky, I have caught him and some lies. He starting to take things from me when he knows all he has to do is ask me, things such as coffee, sweetener packets, envelopes, etc., all of which cost me money for my budget and can quickly add up over time. His hygiene is terrible and it’s getting worse as the season is warming up, so does the smell. I’m just so upset!

 

Thursday, April 4, 2013.

 

I pray every day for God to alleviate these frustrations with my cellmate. Yet, he continues to live rent free inside of my head. Even when I’m working out, or jogging in place, this issue continues to poison my thoughts. I know very well that this isn’t healthy for me and I just need to let it go, that’s why I continue to pray for God’s help, because this is difficult for me. I have an abundance of my own problems that I should be focusing on and it seems like this is slightly stunting my growth. I say slightly because I’ve come so far in my recovery and that I am so much stronger because of my efforts, allowing me to be more resilient to such nonsense.

 

Friday, April 5, 2013.

 

I finally just got one of my kites back that I had submitted for alcoholics anonymous, all the way back in August of last year. The only thing that was written as a response on the kite was letting me know that I’m on the waiting list and they could still take a long time. The only frustrating part about this whole thing is that the list is only this long because a lot of individuals are signed up for recovery classes to shave time off of their sentence, opposed other people, such as myself, who truly want to recover and improve the quality of my life.

 

Saturday, April 6, 2013.

 

My cellmate and I finally had an adult, man-to-man conversation, and it feels so much better in here. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’m really starting to understand what it means to be a man, and how great it feels to have a sense of self-worth, self-accomplishment, and just a deep sense of peace and serenity with myself in the direction my life is headed.

 

Wow! Yes! Hooray! Today is the first day that they open the yard and I took full advantage of it to work out and do the physical activities I’ve been dying to do like jogging in circles, instead of in place. Jogging on the track is much more intense than jogging in place, just as I thought it would be.

 

After my job, I noticed three guys from the block doing the work out together. They seem like some decent guys, so I took a risk and asked them if I could join in on their workout. They were happy to take me in. Today they are working on the lower body. We were doing squats, thrusts, bear crawls, and crab walks across the field and back, over and over, it was endless, those guys pushed me to the point where my legs failed on me. Now I can hardly walk, let alone you’d make it up the steps to my third-floor cell. I feel great. I haven’t been this physically exhausted in years and I can’t wait for more.

 

Sunday, April 7, 2013.

 

Oh man, I am so so sore, I can hardly walk to the chalice all. I had to hold onto both rails just to make it down the steps without falling flat on my face. But, it was well worth it, and yes, I did force myself to go back out on the yard today. Today we worked out on the pull up bars, focusing on her upper body, doing an assortment of dips, pull-ups, push-ups, and various other upper body workouts. Now my whole entire body is sore and I love it!

 

We have mice all over the place in here; they don’t even bother me as much is the cockroaches. What’s really weird is that some of these guys are keeping their tails tied to a string and caring them around his pets. Now I’ve seen it all.

 

Monday, April 8, 2013.

 

I never thought that I could overexert my muscles without having to lift weights. But, I did. I’m so very sore right now, so sort hurts. I can hardly stand up, let alone walk down the steps into the Chow Hall; I simply have to force myself to move around. The longer I sit, or lay down on my back, the more my muscles begin to tighten and lock up on me. People are getting impatiently stuck behind me on the steps because I have to hold onto both rails in order to keep myself from falling down. This is not hurt my constant motivation for healthier, stronger, more physically fit way of life goes, although I do feel an uncomfortable amount of pain, I know it’s a good healthy pain, as a result of my hard work, and it will only get easier for me as I continue on my journey to the healthier way of life.

 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013.

 

I think that God point me in the direction of my new workout buddies. Ever since the first day I started working out with them, when the yard first open, they’ve all been periodically stopping by my cell door to make sure I’m going to join them again on the next day’s work out. Even though I’m already completely dedicated to physical fitness it’s nice to have that extra support from others, not to mention my much-needed interaction with people doing positive things to strengthen our lives.

 

I’m loving the smell of fresh cut grass, clean air, and looking at my Rosie red cheeks in the mirror, from the sun shining on my face. This time of year is a really big reminder of what I’m missing out on as a free man. This is also a reminder of how much I’ve grown as a man. This time last year I was so depressed about the life I’ve given up that I just couldn’t really even think about anything else other than how sad I was, but, now, I use these thoughts to my vantage, by telling myself to continue moving forward in my growth process, so that I never have to even worry about returning to this horrible way of life.

 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013.

 

Today’s a day, I finally get to meet Justin Paperny me, and I’m so anxious and excited! There are many things I’d like to talk to him about, I just hope that I can remember most of the topics of conversation because, unfortunately the prison won’t allow me to bring any papers to the visitation room. Regardless, I’m sure it’s going to be a wonderful visit.

 

What a great visit! I’m so thrilled and honored that Justin was able to take the time to fly across the country to come and see me and my family in person. We had a great conversation, talk about my progress, and set up some new and exciting goals. It was so gratifying to see someone who has given me so much direction in life, and to hear him knowledge how much he seemed growth in my work is indescribable. It’s satisfying when I hear it coming from a man who I respect so much. This is just one of yet another great celebration in progress that Michael Santos reminds us all to take time for in a recovery. To future success.

Thursday, April 11, 2013.

 

Yesterday was a big day for me. I feel, in a sense, refreshed with a new setting on my compass for life. My batteries never died. But, I still feel recharged and ready to take on these next three years with a new and improved direction, going on to the life that I’ve set in motion.

 

Unfortunately, the yard is closed today due to the rain, so I did my usual self. Fitness routine, and somehow I’ve injured my lower back, it doesn’t feel like a serious injury but, my back is definitely sore. Whenever I think about a soreness, or injuries. Lately, I don’t think so much about the pain as I do about its effect on any of my future workouts. For example, I was going to work out a second time today after lunch, now I think I should probably take it easy for the rest of the day. I only hope the soreness improves in time for tomorrow’s work out because I can’t stand to miss a day.

 

Friday, April 12, 2013.

 

We just had a shake down in the block. Cell by cell, the guards tore through, demolishing everyone’s personal belongings all along the way. This is a result of anonymous inmate frustrating the guards on duty. Some sick individual defecated in the showers and left it there as a gift for others. Since this individual wasn’t caught in the act, the only repercussion that was logical to the guards on duty was to tear ourselves apart. I’m not upset about the shakedown, for this is just another inevitable part of prison life, what I don’t enjoy is having to completely reorganize myself. At least a guard was nice enough to leave my shelves glued to the wall. What’s most upsetting is living in fear of stepping into a pile of feces, left behind in the shower by another grown man.

 

Saturday, April 13, 2013.

 

Of course, as to be expected in Ohio, after a few, short glorious days of warm weather. It has turned cold. Now normally this wouldn’t bother me but, just a couple of days ago the prison shut off the hot furnace and switched it rectally over to cold air conditioning. So now, on top of the cold, 20° temperatures outside, we have an air-conditioning vent that might as well have icicles hanging off of it. It was so cold last night that I hardly got any sleep. The day after tomorrow is supposed to be back in the 70s, and soon I’ll be writing about the unbearable heat again. I guess that’s Ohio for you. As so famously stated if you don’t like the weather Ohio stick around. It will change.

 

Sunday, April 14, 2013.

 

My mother came to visit me again today. It was a very pleasant surprise. I wasn’t expecting her because she said she was exhausted from a busy week, plus she’s going to spend some quality time with her sister, my aunt Norma, who is still going through hard times with cancer and chemotherapy. I only wish I hadn’t done so much damage that my mother could comfortably focus on her sister’s well-being and know that I’ll be fine missing out on a visit. I worry about my on Norma to, and I pray for her every day. I could see how upset and emotional my mom is about everything and I only wish that there was more I could do to comfort her and put her mind at ease.

 

Monday, April 15, 2013.

 

This week I’ve set a new goal for my workout routine. Now, instead of working out once a day, and twice every third day, I’m doubling everything. So, from now on I’ll be working out twice a day, and three times every third day. I’m very excited to do this I have absolute confidence, with no doubts that my new goals are attainable and well within my reach. My strength and stamina increases with every day, making my regular routine easier and easier, enabling me to set new goals and constantly giving me a satisfying sense of accomplishment. The goals, coupled with new goals I’ve set in place with Justin Paperny me, eats away at the monotonous feelings that I would normally have. Due to this prison life.

 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013.

 

A great big change in my workout is going to take some serious adjusting. I’m constantly taking ibuprofen from all the soreness. I know that over time I’ll get better and stronger. But, it’s a very grueling process. But, still very rewarding. I worked out twice and myself before making it to the yard last night for my third workout with my three other fitness partners. This really did me in, trying to keep up with three other individuals, especially after already working out twice was next to impossible. But, the guy stuck with me and pushed me to keep going and that felt great. My body, once again, shut down from muscle failure, and once again, today, I’m intensely sore, but this time. I’ve already finished one fitness session in attempts to loosen up those sore muscles.

 

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people in Boston affected by the tragic bombing yesterday. It’s very difficult to watch some of the scenes from yesterday’s incident on television. But what’s more disturbing is the fact that whoever did this is getting exactly what they wanted, total news coverage and mass publicity.

 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013.

 

Since my increase in daily activity, I’m now constantly feeling very hungry, sore, and tired. Sometimes all I can think about is food and it’s driving me crazy because I’m trying so hard to lose weight and get fit. I know that I’m already eating enough healthy food throughout the day; my brain is just stuck on food, the same way it used to be stuck on drugs.

 

Well finally I got another try monthly appointment for a checkup with the Dr. The last time I saw the Dr. was early January, and I weighed in at 210 pounds. I’m hoping I lost at least about 20 pounds. Fingers are crossed.

 

Thursday, April 18, 2013.

 

I’m very pleased to announce that lost 18 pounds I weighed in at 192 pounds compared my previous weight of 210 pounds in January. I still think I could lose a little more weight if I work harder each day.

 

So much tragedy on the news this week, all over our great nation. How could one possibly think with a positive mindset with all of this negativity about a world on every channel, every newspaper, magazine, and all over the World Wide Web? I feel great sorrow for all of our children being raised in all of this confusion.

 

Sunday, April 21, 2013.

 

I’ve added curls to my workout and man, can I feel the burn! I have enough books and magazines saved up to fill up my knitted laundry bag. I’m not sure how much weight it is total but, it takes both of my arms to lift. I’m glad to have thought of this because nothing else in my routine really focuses primarily on my biceps.

 

The thought of being surrounded by germs in this. Unsanitary place is really starting to get to me. I’m constantly cleaning everything and washing my hands after everything I touch. It’s starting to make me paranoid, I just don’t want to get sick, or catch anything. Being sober for so long really starts to make me think about all variable future repercussions to any and all of my actions. I’m happy to get this extra six cents back in my mind, it’s just a new, foreign responsibility that takes some adjusting to I just need to find a happy medium opposed to being so extreme.

 

Monday, April 22, 2013. Regardless of my constant pain and soreness from working out every day, I’ve stopped taking ibuprofen completely; just because I know it’s unhealthy to take so many pills. Plus, I also realize that if I’m masking my pain and soreness with pills, I could potentially hurt myself even more by over exerting an injured body part.

 

I just can’t seem to go through the day, making any single decision without being horribly concerned as to whether or not said decision will have a direct or even long-term effect on my health and future. I’m not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing but, it is quite cumbersome, and a burden. I know I have no choice but to bear.

 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013.

 

My outside running is improving tremendously. I find so much peace and running. All of my worries just seem to disappear when I’m on that track. I only wish I could do it more often, for longer amounts of time. Unfortunately, our chances for outside yard recreation are greatly dependent on the weather. If it rains, or the temperature drops below 60°, we have to stay inside. So this year, I’m actually looking forward to the warmer temperatures, allowing me for a steadier, more consistent cardio routine of jogging on the track, allowing me to increase my distance, speed, pace, time, and strength. I think I’m a great deal more prepared for the hot summer, considering I weigh 70 pounds less than I did last summer. All that extra weight made it so ridiculously uncomfortable for me; I refuse to let that happen to me anymore, ever again.

 

Wednesday, April 24, 2013.

 

I just picked up a book from the property room that Justin Paperny ordered for me, after our visit together, through Amazon.com. The book is called Atlas shrugged and I’m quite anxious to read it. I’ve tripled my daily reading time in order to finish the really good book that I’m currently reading unbroken written by Laura Hillenbrand, the same author that wrote Sea biscuit, and believe you me, it’s a great book, based on a true story that will captivate any reader. I look forward to submitting my reports.

 

Thursday, April 25, 2013.

 

Bugs, mice, dust, dirt, germs, invisible bacteria, everything is starting to get to me. I’m starting to feel like Howie Mandel, with his germ phobia. This prison is just so old, dirty, and disgusting that I can’t wait to get transferred out of here.

 

I remember, as a child, before I got hooked on the party scene, using drugs, I have very similar paranoia of dirt and germs, and now it seems, the longer I remained sober and of clear thought in mind, the more mild lifestyle and train of thought returns. The life I lost for so long I thought would never return is slowly coming back to me and I love it. I would much rather have a constant fear of germs, and a constant fear of when or how I’m going to get my next fix.

 

Friday, April 26, 2013.

 

I’ve been trying really hard to strengthen my lower back through stretches and crunches but it just isn’t feeling any better. If you weeks ago I injured my lower back while working out on the yard with the guys. Since then, it only seems like its gotten worse. Being stuck in my cell for 22 hours every day, with no way possible of setting up straight just doesn’t help my problem. The reason that I can’t sit up straight in the cell is because the only thing to sit on in here is my bad, and on my bed, like now, well I’m sitting here writing, I have no choice but to hunch over because my cellmate’s bunk bed above me is so low that I would get my head in any attempt to set up straight. Needless to say, I’m having an uncomfortably difficult time just trying to finish this Journal entry with the amount of pain. I’m currently in. Fortunately for me, I don’t feel this pain and soreness when I’m up, moving around, working out on the yard. So I try to stay as active as possible, every chance I get.

 

 Saturday, April 27, 2013

Today my back still feels horrible, if not worse than yesterday. I can’t wait to get outside, get my body moving, and try to work out some kinks. Unfortunately today. This evening recreation, which means that I have to wait until about 5 PM to go out of the cell for two hours and according to the news, this is about the same time that it’s supposed to start raining, which means that they might not even let us outside. Just yet another great reason for readers on the verge of making poor decisions to think twice, before winding up in prison like me.

 

Sunday, April 28, 2013.

 

Very rarely do I ever take a break, or go a day without completing my usual routine. But, today I’m certainly going to make an exception for myself. Over the past several days, my lower back has been progressively getting worse, and today I can hardly sit up. I’ve been constantly stretching and working out every single day but, I fear that I might be permanently damaging my back by not giving it any time to heal. So, I’m going to give it a single day of rest, and that’s today. Amazingly, through all this pain and soreness, I still refuse to ingest or Medicaid, by using any unnecessary chemicals such as Tylenol or ibuprofen. My health still remains to be my number one priority in life.

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