Steven Dybvad – Personal Journal – May 13 through May 31, 2013

by Steven Dybvad

Monday, May 13, 2013.

 

I’m spending a lot of time in deep thought and prayer. I’m very concerned about my Aunt Norma’s health and the effect it’s having on my family, mainly my mother. I know how deeply affected my mother gets when our loved ones are in turmoil, and it pains me as well. I’m just so bothered knowing that she’s constantly worrying about her son, doing time in the penitentiary, along with her sister, battling with cancer. I just don’t want anyone in my entire family to ever have to worry about me again, I will fight hard, with all of my might, to ensure my family’s piece of mind, when it comes to me. I only hope that through all this mock, everyone was able to have a decent Mother’s Day.

 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013.

 

I just got back from an unexpected appointment with the prisons dietitian. I was extremely pleased to see that I’ve lost another 10 pounds since I last weighed myself just about a month ago. That comes to a grand total of and 80 pound weight loss since I first arrived here at Lebanon, just eight months ago. My hard work and dedication to great health and fitness is undeniably paying off. The dietitian commended me on my commitment to better health, stating that it’s easy to gain weight, but difficult to lose. I agree that it’s harder to lose weight but, the process in itself a fulfilling experience that I will never forget.

 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013.

 

This year seems to be flying by so fast; I only hope the rest of my sentence moves with the same illusion of such rapid speed. I know that the increase in my daily activities has a lot to do with how much time seems to be flying by, which is why my goals are ever-changing, setting the bar higher and higher as a course of action that I’ll continue to do for the rest of my life.

 

My son, Taylor’s birthday is coming up, on June 1. Taylor will be eight years old. All I can do is send him a card, and draw him some pictures and it eats me up inside. This is just one of many reasons that I’ve made a conscious decision to change my life around, be successful with the rest of my life, and never return to prison again, or abandon my children for that matter.

 

 

Thursday, May 16, 2013.

 

So much dust, dirt, and crime, so many mice and cockroaches, it’s enough to ruin anybody’s day. Now that it’s getting warm outside again, I’m starting to see roaches everywhere. Last night mice kept waking me up, from the sound of them crawling on everything crinkling paper, or bags. So, my cellmate and I got a hold of some bleach and chemicals from a guy that works in the laundry room, and decided to do a super cell, clean, critter extra mint today. I was horribly disgusted at the sight of uncovering thousands of cockroaches from several different nesting areas in our cell. Big and small, they all started the scattered everywhere. As we both tried to kill as many as possible by squashing them with their shower shoes. It’s a wonder were not constantly sick from these poor, unhealthy living insects.

 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Today I continue to mourn the loss of my amazing on Norma. I am at a terrible loss of words. There’s been so much that’s been running through my head since my father told me on the phone last night. I think I handled myself well, when dad told me on the phone yesterday, and even though something inside of me already knew that she had passed away, I was in a bit of a shock after being informed. I told myself I was going to go upstairs to my cell and cry for her but, all I can get out is a prayer. Today, on the other hand, it’s all starting to set in; I never get to see my favorite aunt, ever again. Not only that, I don’t even get to attend her funeral and say my goodbyes, because of my poor, selfish, criminal minded decisions. I didn’t get to show her what a great man, I can truly be, but, I know that she’ll be in heaven, with grandpa, looking down at all of us and smiling. Like grandpa, Aunt Norma is no longer in pain; she’s in a much better place now. What bothers me more than anything is how hard this is on the rest of my family. My healthy grandmother has lost another child; my mother has lost another sibling, her only sister, who I know she was so very close to. My cousin Aaron lost his mom, and I just couldn’t imagine losing mine. My entire family is grieving the loss of a wonderful woman, holidays and get-togethers never are the same. Most important of all, we should all be remembering to celebrate the life of Norma Chandler. Norma was a special person, with so much love in her heart. Her smile, her character, and the unique sound of her intoxicating laughter could light up the room and move any party. This is why we are sad; she will be missed because she was amazing.

 

Monday, May 20, 2013.

 

Today is another rough day. I can sense the pain in my entire family is going through from losing Aunt Norma. I just wish I could be there to grieve with them, offer them a shoulder to cry on, comfort one another, and perhaps even shed a few tears myself.

 

I feel on edge today. Petty problems, issues, silly trivial things I would normally concern myself with are getting under my skin. All I can do is close my eyes, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, and remind myself that everything is going to be fine, grieving is a process, I just need to continue to utilize healthy outlets like writing and working out. These ROM motions are still very foreign to me, and dealing with them is even more difficult when all I have is myself, here in this lonely cell. I am more pained at the fact that I can’t offer any kind of support for the rest of my family, during this time of need, when family is needed the most.

 

Two years later, my past criminal decisions still haunts me and my family, this is not an easy pill to swallow.

 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013.

 

As my family and I grieve the loss of a loved one, many others are suffering unexpected losses, men, women, and children died tragically in the devastating tornado that tore through Oklahoma. My thoughts and prayers go out to all these people and their families, as they continue to search for survivors. Beneath the rubble.

 

I vividly remember writing in December of last year about all of the horrible occurrences that happened in 2012, one after the other, from hurricanes to mass shootings, it seemed like, I thought to myself, it just can’t possibly get any worse than this. So I wrote about my optimistic hopes for 2013. Well I was so wrong. The world isn’t the same. It was when I was a kid. It scares me to think about what life has in store for my children and someday their children. From pollution on the earth polluting our brains with Internet fell, we have become so calloused and thoughtless about what we’re leaving behind for the next generation. When does it stop? Where does it start? As individuals, we have to take responsibility for our actions and do our part to change and make a difference.

 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013.

 

Today, aside from running more laps than ever in a single day, along with the rest of my daily fitness routine, I’ve been trying to finish up some of my best drawings for my son, Taylor. Taylor’s birthday is next week, on June 1. This is one of three more of his birthdays that I have to miss out on. Tears me apart when I think about things like this, but, on the brighter side, I know that after my release, I’ll never ever miss another single one of his birthdays, or my daughters, or anyone else’s for that matter. Such trials and tribulations of my incarceration that used to get me down and depressed in the past, now give me the continued strength and motivation to work harder and ensuring the success of my future.

 

Thursday, May 23, 2013.

 

I believe that by now, my family may have already laid my on Norma to rest. My heart is with them all in these emotionally difficult times. My entire family so very close to one another, I can only imagine how hard this must be for all of them. So, I sit here in silence, saying a prayer, thanking God for ending all the pain that Norma felt here on earth. I know that she’s in heaven, reunited with other family members. We’ve lost, and smiling down on all of us, and for that reason alone I feel great comfort in knowing that everything is going to be just fine. I only pray that the rest of my family can begin to feel same way.

 

Friday, May 24, 2013.

 

Today just seems to be one of those days. I don’t know what I could possibly write about. I just kind of feel down in the muck today. I’m trying to feel the pain and mourn the passing of my on Norma. Prison has in a sense calloused me and desensitized my grieving, by being separated from family and society for so long, I’m unable to gather with my loved ones an attempt to grieve, say goodbye, and try hard to move on. It says if it hasn’t happened yet for me, in a way time has stopped.

 

Saturday, May 25, 2013.

 

I still haven’t talked to my mom on the phone since I last spoke with dad about aunt Norma’s passing I’m going to call her tomorrow morning when they let us out of our cells for day room. My biggest concern about talking to my mom is empathizing her strong emotions will trigger the emotions that I’ve somehow suppressed, causing me to cry in the phone room. This is unfortunately something I cant afford to do in here, crying shows weakness, for that reason alone, I must contain myself; no matter how much I want to grieve with my mother.

 

Sunday, May 26, 2013.

 

Speaking with my mom on the phone was a little easier than I expected. Thankfully my father talked to her about trying to keep her composure during our phone conversation. I desperately wanted to cry with her, feel the pain, perhaps able to feel just a little better afterword, I could tell that she wanted to do the same, I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her either. But, we both did fine, having a good conversation about the rest of my family, the latest news and what’s happening with everyone else. I miss my family very much; I just can’t wait to be a functioning part of my loving family, once again, and forever more.

 

Monday, May 27, 2013.

 

I miss my family very much. It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen my daughter, Caitlin, and I still can’t stop thinking about how she’s doing. That old saying out of sight out of mind just isn’t true when you love someone, especially when it’s a daughter, or a son. Thankfully I have great parents. The spend plenty of time with Caitlyn, and they tell me all about her. But, sometimes the more I hear about her, the more I miss her. Taylor’s birthday is on Saturday, just another special, important day. The Taylor will always remember that daddy wasn’t there. My addiction has pushed me so far away from my children, guilt of my bad choices in life. Just eats me up inside. Another of many huge reasons to continue to change my life around. I look forward to the day that I can begin to rebuild our relationships from outside of these walls.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013.

 

Today was another day that every single inmate from three different cellblocks had report to the yard so they could spray pesticides in the hallways outside of our cells. To me this seems pointless, because the bugs never die. The cockroaches thrive in this prison. This is made it quite difficult to get to the store, which is today, instead of our normal Monday store time, because of Memorial Day being yesterday. Looks like we may have to wait another day, oh well, no big deal. It was very interesting to look around the yard at the men never go outside and laissez absolutely have to, like today, when they spray for bugs every three months.

 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013.

 

I just came back from pass for a dentist appointment. I went in thinking that they were finally going to get some cavities filled that they had promised to take care of last year. To my utter disappointment. They told me I was scheduled for extraction. In fear of losing more teeth at this point in my incarceration. However inevitable, I reluctantly had to decline. My health has become so important to me that I’m concerned about having such a major medical procedure done in this filthy environment. Not to mention I can’t stand the thought of walking around with no teeth. It’s not as much the vanity issue for me right now as it is for maintaining a sense of safety and security around inmates. This is a little difficult for me to explain, all I can say is that the more masculine I can look, the less likely that another inmate with a reckless character is to test me. So for that reason alone, I shall try to hold onto my bad teeth until I’m closer to the end of my sentence, or at least for as long as I can.

 

Thursday, May 30, 2013.

 

Crunch time, I spent the last couple of days working diligently to finish my work book assignments by the end of the month, just as I promised Justin Paperny when he came here to visit. It is one of my goals to make absolutely sure that from now on I can be trusted as a man of my word. My word is very important to me, it’s the same as honesty, if I don’t hold up to my word, that I’m being deceitful, and living dishonestly is a key part of what got me here. Line creates guilt; guilt sends me on a further path of self-destruction, as well as everyone else around me. I refuse to ever go back down that path again. I’m in love with the path I’m on and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

 

Friday, May 31, 2013.

 

Just as promised Justin, I’ve completed my work book assignments, and now I’m ready to start piecing together my first book, I’m so excited!

 

After being sent back inside from yard recreation because of the rain, I finally got a hold of my dear friend, Peri it was great to hear her voice, catch up on the latest issues, and talk about health, fitness, and food, a few things we both really enjoyed. I’m so very fortunate to have a friend like her in my life, although I’ve known her nearly my entire life, were so close that she might as well be family. Peri’s daughter, Gretchen is the closest thing to a sister that I’ve ever had.

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