Steven Dybvad – Personal Journal – June 1, through June 16, 2013

by Steven Dybvad

Saturday, June 1, 2013.

It feels great to be completely finished with my straight a guide workbook assignments. I’m so ready to make new goals and take on more projects.

 

Say what doesn’t feel good, missing yet another one of my son’s birthdays. Taylor turns eight years old today and the only thing I was able to do was send him some drawings I made in a birthday card from the commissary. This continues to eat me up inside and I just can’t imagine what it’s doing Taylor but, most of all, things like this are reasons I know that I’ll never again return to a life of crime and addiction.

 

Sunday, June 2, 2013.

 

Yesterday was difficult for me. All day I was thinking about my son, on his birthday, without his father. I remember some of my birthdays from his age, this means that Taylor will also never forget. Were hurts even more is that he still has two more birthdays to go without me, and Caitlin has three more birthdays. The decisions of my past continue to cause more pain, on days like this I find very hard to forgive myself and move on. I also think that maybe the pain of losing my on Norma may be increasing the trauma in other areas in my life. It’s very hard to find any kind of closure. Being stuck in this cell with writing is my only outlet.

 

Monday, June 3, 2013.

 

Yesterday I tried to get a hold of Justin Paperny on the phone to let him know that I completed my assignment, on time, as promised. I also wanted to touch base with him and get a bearing on where to go from here. I was unfortunately unable to get a hold of him, but, we have already discussed what I’m going to do now. As far as goals, so I’m not at all lost by far.

 

Since I couldn’t get a hold of Justin, I took the time to call home, check in with mom and dad, and see how well everyone is recovering and the loss of my dear sweet and Norma. Dad answered, told me that I had just missed my mom, along with my daughter, Caitlin, who just left the house in route to my son, Taylor’s birthday party. Dad told me that everyone is doing well considering the circumstances of our latest family tragedy. I was very pleased to hear that they’re all moving forward with life, working hard to bounce back. I just hope that Taylor had the best birthday possible.

 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013.

 

Today’s one of those days, I’m just feeling crappy. Everything seems to be getting on my nerves; petty issues that wouldn’t usually bother me are getting under my skin. My prison time remaining is constantly running through my mind, I’m not even halfway through my sentence yet. I have many more birthdays and holidays to miss out on, more loved ones could pass away, and so much more, the list just goes on and on. On days like today I just wish I could reboot my system. Even today, after having more than two years of healthy sobriety, I find it so hard to deal with reality. I guess this is what it’s like to be in normal, functioning, responsible adult. All I can do now is write down my troubles on paper and pray that God carries me through the day.

 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013.

 

I’m doing a little better today. I think that maybe a little of my troubles might have originated from my conversation with my father. Let me explain this as best as I can, because we didn’t have any kind of an argument, nor was he scolding me in any way. It’s just that I respect my father so much, his words hold so much validity that they resonate in my mind. Dad has a way of pulling my head out of the clouds, back down to Earth. He never bites his tongue, or sugarcoats his words. I’ve learned to appreciate his words rather than oppose them, as I’ve done for far too long in my life. I realize that I’m so affected by what he says because he speaks only the truth, and often for me, the true reality of my past and present circumstances are painful, and will unfortunately continue to cause more pain in the future. I finally see that this is a form of my father’s love, I’m thankful for this love and I’m very fortunate to have someone like him to bring me back to reality. Thank you dad, I love you.

 

Thursday, June 6, 2013.

 

The intensity of my daily workout routine continues to increase, never decreasing. Sometimes I get discouraged. But, I never give up. This is where my addictive compulsive personality takes effect in my life. I get very impatient, expecting more immediate results. Often I feel like I should be losing more weight and gaining more muscle tissue quicker. Then, to top it off, I often get injured or sore to the point where I can’t do anything at all until I hear a lot. I see so many muscular men on the yard and wonder why I’m not getting their but; I know that I’m getting there, its slow process, not to mention my body is also recovering from a lifetime of abuse.

 

Friday, June 7, 2013.

 

There’s a big list of inmates getting security reviews this month and I’m quite sure I’m on that list. I have zero doubts about taking every single step that’s necessary to get my security lowered, thus moving on to a much better prison. But, I’m still very concerned that I won’t qualify to the severity of my conviction. One thing is for sure, I’ll stop at nothing to prepare and plead my case to the prison counselors, pointing out my personal accomplishments that aren’t listed on my prison record, such as my blog, book working in my daily accountability log that shows my hard work in changing my life are good and avoiding the negative behaviors that commonly go hand-in-hand with the prison machine.

 

Saturday, June 8, 2013.

 

Every day I pray for my family safety, and every day. I worry, wondering if everyone is all right, hoping that the latest local tragedy on the news isn’t anyone I know.

 

My choices in life as cost so much pain, and will continue to cause more pain, I often find it very hard to forgive myself and move past it, but in the same breath, I know that this form of negative thoughts gets me nowhere, so I progress, move forward, give myself a kick in the rear end, and then I remind myself how far I’ve come in life, and when I take a real good look, the difference is night and day.

 

Sunday, June 9, 2013.

 

I’ve been getting so far with my jogging on the track, I just can’t wait to get transferred to a better prison, with the track paved in concrete, or black top, instead of this heavy sand, where it’s easy to twist an ankle if you’re not paying attention. On average I run around 10 miles a day. I look forward to seeing how far I can run when I have more than just an hour and a half outside. It’s also amazing how much easier it is to fall asleep at night when I work out hard during the day. Ever since I stopped taking any kind of psych meds more than a year ago, it was impossible to get a good night’s rest, but now, since I’m always working out, getting to sleep is effortless.

 

 

Monday, June 10, 2013.

 

The office is continuing with more security reviews today, I haven’t yet been called down, but I know it will be soon. The anticipation is unsettling. My review could very well go either way, not because of my behavior, or prison record because that continues to remain untarnished. I could possibly be stuck here for another year due to the severity of my level I felony conviction, and just knowing this bothers me to no end. Nevertheless, I know that whatever happens out of my control, I will continue to make responsible decisions as a rational adult, with my future always in mind with every single choice I make, and that in itself places my mind at ease.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013.

 

Working out so therapeutic for me, it helps me get through difficult days, and glide through a normal day; I would be a big ball of pent-up emotions without fitness.

 

I am so charged up about seeing the caseworkers for my 12 month security review. I so desperately want to get to a better prison, one where I’m not confined to my cell 22 hours a day. My mind and body is telling me I need to get around and be more active each day, so much that I often contemplate getting a job so I can get out of the cell and move around. But, I know that that would be a bad idea in prison such as this one, were trouble is around every corner, multiplying my exposure in here would very likely put me in a situation out of my control, resulting in a rule infraction, or some other blemish on my perfect record and that’s just not worth the risk.

 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013.

 

Here we go again! Once again I have yet another pinched nerve or some other similar kind of extremely sharp pain in my upper back, so much that it’s affecting the motion of my neck. Now I have to take it easy again, unable to complete my daily fitness routine. I’m so frustrated, it seems like this is happening way too often to me. I know that part of it’s because for the majority of every day. My body is forced to be stuck in this tiny cell, 22 hours every single day, unable to move around and stretch like a normal, healthy human being should be able to do. Times like this I just want to scream at my body, tell it to wake up, and get healthy, like I’ve been working so hard to do for the last six months. The matter how much pain I’m in, I’ll never give up, but for today, I guess I have to lay on my rack and hope I heal up quick.

 

Thursday, June 13, 2013.

 

Wow! I can’t believe my back feels better already after just one day a painful rest, I feel better, pain free, ready for some push-ups and running. In the past, having a painful injury like the one I had yesterday, I would be out of commission for at least a week. It looks like my hard work and unwavering dedication to health and fitness is paying off. After all.

 

I never seem to get used to the cell shakedowns. Although I don’t take it personally, it’s very frustrating when a guard comes into my living quarters and tears up every personal item I own, sometimes mixing my belongings with my cellmate’s leaving us to clean up and reorganize after the guard playing demolition man leaves to tear the next cell apart.

 

Friday, June 14, 2013.

 

I hope everyone in my family is recovering well and moving forward with life. I haven’t talked to anyone in a couple of weeks, and today seems to be one of those days that I just miss them a little more than usual. I’m so excited about getting started on my first book, going through some printouts of my blog, and finding my best work to go in the book. September is my deadline goal that I established with Justin when he was here visiting with me, that’s just 3 1/2 short months away.

 

Saturday, June 15, 2013.

 

This morning I run a packet of information that my mother just sent me, the packet contained all the details of my on Norma’s death, funeral, counseling of my family, and more importantly celebrating the memories of her life. This information was extremely helpful to me, forward enables me to feel the pain of her passing and connect with my family in a way that I’ve been unable to do for myself before this. I was very pleasantly surprised to get a pass for a visit with my family tomorrow. I’m so excited to see their faces, receiver warm embracing hug, kiss, and catch up on the latest topics. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them because of all of the difficulties in dealing with my on Norma’s passing.

 

 

Sunday, June 16, 2013.

Today was a great day! I got to spend time with my precious son and my mother. It’s never easy to talk about serious issues when my son, Taylor is there but, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Time spent with my children, connecting as often as we can is of the utmost importance. I only wish I could get more time to spend with my daughter, Caitlin.

Leave a Reply

*


Copyright 2019 The Michael G. Santos Foundation